Do you wish for an ability to drop Draft Knowledge? (Part 1)

We are helpful people at The Grand National Championships. We like you. And when you’re gonna watch the NFL Draft on the last weekend in April? You’re gonna want to know stuff. I will bring you the stuff to know.

Elvi Patterson can hate me now, but I won’t stop now.

Let me tell you all you need to know about the quarterback class.

There are five that should go on Day 1. That you know. But did you know that if you wish to know where the sleeper goes, all you need to do is look inside an [Anchorman Reference]?

(Heh. Heh. Heh.)

The Magnificient Seven (Quarterbacks)

1. Matt Ryan (QB-Boston College)
6′4″ 223 4.95

There are some whom would compare him to Joe Montana. There are some whom would compare him to Tom Brady. Hell, Pro Football Weekly would even throw in Peyton Manning. Wrong. All of you are wrong.

His arm is not laser, and he will let you down going deep. He can manage the game well, but his vertical game blows. Out and out shitty.

Not to say he won’t have real world value in 2009, it’s just that you aught to temper your hopes, guy.

But being Drew Brees means you know how to learn the Carlton Dance!

WHY Matt Ryan is the next Drew Brees? He will struggle mightily for the first few years with a bad offensive line.

2. Brian Brohm (QB-Louisville)
6′4″ 224 4.82

 

Brian Brohm has lived a sheltered life at Louisville. A spread offense guaranteed to put up numbers for any quarterback? Two brothers as coaches? His daddy as a constant presence? Even though he was injury prone, the fix was in for him to succeed.

I know, I’m being mean. He does have a laser arm. He does have on-field football smarts. He’s not fast, but he’s not a statue in the pocket. Leadership is not a strong suit, however.

WHYhe will be the next Brady Quinn? His intangibles are questionable, his arm is not that great, and if the Ravens fall in love with a cornerback? He will lose millions on draft day.

3. Joe Flacco (QB-Delaware)
6′6″ 236 4.85

 

Kerry Collins had a passing camp in South Jersey. It crossed paths with a computer camp. Theirs was a love that could not last. Fortunately, Kerry does not believe in sexual congress with condoms. Nine months later, Ms. Flacco’s baby boy was born.

Don’t believe me? Think this story libelous? Well, how about we explain that Flacco is a statuesque laser, rocket-armed quarterback who is not great under pressure and has a drinking problem*?

He’s only going to be good as his coaching and supporting cast.

WHY he may be the next Matt Schaub? He’s going to be drafted as some teams back-up in the second round, have a good game versus the Patriots, and be rumored to get dealt for two years hence. 

*The Mileage on Joe Flacco’s drinking problem may vary.

4. Chad Henne (QB-Michigan)
6′2″ 230 4.94

Being as my friend Elvi lives in Michigan, he is inundated with hype from Ann Arbor. He is sick of Chad Henne. In that way? He’s like your average Michigan fan.

But like anything that can be much-maligned, the fact of the matter is that Henne brings more to the table than you think. He throws hard, he plays hurt, and he has played well in big games not involving Ohio State. However, he is inaccurate and like the bastard child of Kerry Collins, when the line breaks down Henne cannot stand and deliver. The devil he may take ya.

WHY he may never be a full-time starter? He has a lot of bad habits that would only be correctable by good coaching. And do you know what’s the most translatable skill of a quarterback from college to the pros? Accuracy.

5. Andre’ Woodson (QB-Kentucky)
6′4″ 229 4.88

 

Let it be said that we will make an effort to speak upon him fairly. We love his style and his ability to come up big in the biggest of games. He is poor in throwing technique. He would need to land with a team that has a swanky quarterback coach to polish the rough edges. He was not great in the all-star games.

But that being said, the man is a gunslinger. He brought them back versus three teams in the Top 15 and stood toe to toe with the son of Jor-El. And while some dream of him as a Jason Campbell or a David Garrard, if everything breaks right? (And I do mean every damn thing?)

 

WHY I just might not be crazy? A 2nd round graded quarterback who can move around from a southern school who can bring his marginally talented team back against powerhouses? He’s got the heart and the balls.

These are your day one quarterbacks in terms of value. Sure, an Erik Ainge or John David Booty may sneak in if some team has a grade for them, but they’re backup value at best (Ainge more than Booty). But in Day 2 the only city that bears an interest?

San Diego!

Day 2 Sleepers

A. Josh Johnson  (QB-San Diego)
6′2″ 213 4.55

 

There’s an impetus to find upside in your quarterback. Josh Johnson is the best and brightest. He destroyed competition in the Division 1-AA (FCS, whatever) with a 43-1 TD-INT ratio. And get this? His throwing style isn’t raw either! He may not be used to the speed of the pro game, but he’s not just some spread option sucker.

He played under a pro-style offense in San Diego. Jim Harbaugh was his sensei.

But there is some dark clouds in this ray of sunshine. He’s not one of the 6′5″ 240 sized types of quarterbacks, it means he may get launched. And he may never settle into his happy feet. But the fact of the matter? If Throwing Into Traffic wants to talk about what dreams may come? Talk up Josh Johnson.

WHY he might be drafted on Day 1? You remember Tavaris Jackson? Josh Johnson is the Platinum Edition of Tavaris.

B. Kevin O’Connell (QB-San Diego State)
6′5″ 225 4.64

He may not be the one, but Kevin O’ Connell [a.k.a. Cush] sure is the prototype. Strong arm with good accuracy, good footwork along with timed speed, and he has pretty good accuracy. And his sensei is a strong molder of quarterbacks. Chuck Long made Kevin O’Connell a prospect. Chuck Long made Kevin O’Connell blossom in the most heterosexual way possible.

And yet? The man can’t stay healthy. The man could not destroy a mid-major conference even with Chuck Long’s Mr. Miyagi-style.  He can lose the plate every so often and he will not stand tall and true. He is not the gunslinger you are looking for.

WHY won’t he be another Dan McGwire? He’s agile and mobile. That and he doesn’t juice. He is not going to be a bust.

That’s it. About 1200 words in regards to your fine quarterback prospects. Yeah. This was a bit of an effort. Woot and what not.

THE GRAND NATIONAL INTERVIEW: THE SEAL KING OF YACHT ROCK!

That’s right. On the heels of Yacht Rock 11 and it’s big premiere in New York on December 27th, I decided I was going to get bold. I was going to ask co-creator, writer, and Michael Freakin’ McDonald himself, J.D. Ryznar if he would take the time to answer a few questions.

And luckily for me, he said yes. So I proudly present, a championship caliber interview.

Anyway…He we go.

The Grand National Interview…J.D. Ryznar.

Tell us about the strong gale winds that gave birth to Yacht Rock? 
We kept losing the monthly LA fake television contest Channel101 (channel101.com), so we decided to do a project based on something we all love: really smooth music. 

What’s your favorite episode of the original Channel 101 run? 
All of them.

Tell us about what led to getting the group back together for Yacht Rock 11? 
We always talked about continuing the series, but I was always busy with real work.  We were invited to do a screening at the Knitting Factory in New York on December 27th.  I was tired of showing the same, tired old crap anyone can see online.  Also, I’m on strike (WGA) and instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself and my slowly draining bank account, I decided to get the old band back together.

We’re really excited that you decided to make an 11th episode, can you give us a sneak peek of what’s to come? No.

Shucks. Moving on, on a scale of 1 to 8, how awesome is Hollywood Steve? 6

In a no-holds barred Texas Death Match of smooth, who wins…Boz Scaggs or Christopher Cross?
Christopher Cross.

Besides smooth music, what are your influences? 
Plays of Sam Shepard and Bertolt Brecht, Films of David Lynch and Woody Allen, 70’s Burt Reynolds movies, etc.

Do you do any live improv or sketch shows, and if so where? 
Improv and sketch comedy is for jerks and nerds!  Channel 101 is the only place to show off and develop your comedy skills.

Are there any upcoming projects that you’re working on? 
I wrote a movie for Jason Lee at Warner Brothers.  It’s called Krater, about a hard rocking bar band from the seventies who takes on a new lead singer and gets signed.  Then, the new lead singer starts writing these pussy ballads and the band gets hugely popular, despite the fact they’re playing music they hate.   Its a great project that I love, but it seems to be on the slow track at Warner Brothers, so who knows if it will ever get made.  Hopefully the stars will align and we’ll get to see this on the big screen.

We’d like to thank J.D. for taking the time out to answer our questions. And if you are going to be in or around the New York Area on December 27th, there are tickets still available to Yacht Rock 11’s World Premiere. You can order them online at Knitting Factory New York.

But before I make My Leave, more J.D. Ryznar awesomeness to kick flavor in your ear.

AWESOME FAILED CHANNEL 101 PILOT: NEW MacGYVER!

MICHAEL McDONALD IS NOT AN IRRELEVANT JOKE!

Thanks again to J.D. Ryznar for taking the time out to answer the questions, and we will see you later.

Andrew!

Previous Interviews!
Team Awesome Rocks!

The Best Advice I Have Never Followed?

“Don’t be cool. Like everything.”

-Alan Moore

Sure, if you think about it, the advice is damn near unfollowable. But you get the context. It’s a lot easier to learn how to be savvy and smart if you want to try and learn everything than if you’re too cool for school.

Trust me. Trying to act cool and internet tough isn’t exactly going to make you good at writing, and good at life. Right now, the best example is the 1972 Dolphins. They have the biggest threat to an undefeated season in the modern era, and the Dolphins are not exactly taking it well.

Point of fact, they’re taking a team that’s difficult to root for and making football fans secretly want them to at least go 19-0 so that some of these Dolphins will have nothing left to root for.

Why? Because Mercury Morris is built internet tough.

I am not built internet tough. But I get the sense that I will someday far in the future leave Epic Carnival because some of them are.

And I just HAVE to play Cool Guy Perez.

Have you ever sat in a car and watched the world go by?

You start thinking. It could be something culturally mundane. (Those who don’t like Chuck Klosterman’s writing after reading him probably started with Killing Yourself to Live.) Or personally mundane (Could I get Maroney for Chad Johnson?) But if you’re as ADD as I can get and playing at security guarding by a highway, you can stumble backwards into some lame self-awareness kick.

And point of fact, I hit that lame self awareness kick today. I realized that I’m normal. Soul-crushingly, mind-numbingly normal. I may effort at idealism, but it shrinks into perfectionism and unbounded fuckery. I’m a lot luckier then I’m aware.

(If you think I’m a dick now? Imagine if I was born one day earlier. I would have had to suffer shitty birthday pranks for going on 18 years.)

But here’s the thing. If I’m normal? How batcrap nuts are you?

You’d write for hate mail if you had a chance.

Seriously, I’m a perfectionist.

I’ll admit it. I am probably one of the laziest people you’ll ever meet, but I’m a perfectionist. I damned our initial burst of success when we lost 300-500 readers going into August. Which, in and of its own way was nobodys facult but AVG anti-virus. But I am one who wants everything to be right.

If it isn’t? Things start affecting me.

Why am I saying this then. Well, as De La Soul says, it ain’t all good.

And what’s bugging me is that I cannot say it with the nuance and deft tact that could allow me to name names and keep me doing things that I enjoy doing.

Suffice it to say, I’m really wishing yourblogblows.com didn’t last ten posts before deciding to fawn over a blogger or 31 posts overall. I need an outlet for passive-aggression.

Yeah. Suffice it to say that if you’re overrated, it’s a lot better than making with the lazy gimmicks without even a modicum, nay, a hint of effort. 

I understand that we are all sinners in the land of Blogfrica. But when you sin, you’ve got to bring more to the table. I mean, look at that post? It has a Panda on a slide. You can hate the list. You can hate us for subjecting you to it.

But Panda on a slide. It is enough for a smile. It is enough for an “awww…” It gives you what you need to start the day.

It’s just, what this man, this brother in Blogfrica is doing, it’s bringing the rest of us down. Okay. It’s just me. But I’m going on 300 words about this guy, so you have to appreciate the fact that I do feel very strongly about this.

Okay. That’s my piece. I may expound further, but the fact of the matter is the gimmick post is like a nice topping. With judicious use, it enhances the workmanship on the site. If you can bring nothing else to the table, you’ve got to do something else with your life.

There is no need for daily ten’s. This means you, E! network. You and your obsequious exclamation point.

(No Joel McHales were harmed in the making of this blog post. But damn my lack of nuance. This person deserves harm.)

Early Game Upset Alert F-Ball Jam!

So you’re a ranked team who lost last week. You had a rough go of it versus a young hungry quarterback, or the top team in the nation. These things happen to the best of us. But it’s a new week, and the opponents are a lot worse, right?

If you’re thinking these games would be a walkover? Not so much, you guys.

Ball State has just scored to make it 31-28 over Nebraska. And the Syracuse Orangepersons are up 31-21 over Louisville. And the Cuse look to be in position to score again as well. (Update: Yep. Andrew Robinson TD makes it 38-21 Cuse in the 4th.)

Also, Duke puts up 36 points in the first half against a decent Navy team? The hell is that all about?

UPDATE II: Syracuse 38, Louisville 35. Nebraska 41, Ball State 40. (Ball State was the only team Minnesota could beat.) Navy 46, Duke 43.

Adam “Pacman” Jones. Champion.

In these dark days of pro wrestling, we need to look high and low for our heroes. And we have found a man with the heart and courage to defeat a wrestling legend such as Sting (Not Gordon Sumner’s nom de plume.) to take down the TNA Tag Team Championships.

And he did it without lifting a finger.

Some of you might say, well, come on. The tag team partner’s just that good. I say no. I say that Adam Jones was so intimidating. So much the presence. So…bad ass.

That even a roided up Olympic Hero such as Kurt Angle.

Lives quaking in fear of Pacman Jones Making It Rain. Yes, he will destroy the TNA forever.

Next, he shall go strip club upon the ass of Samoa Joe.

NFC West: PREDICICTCTCTCTCTCTCTCTIONSSSSS111!!!!

Okay. NFC West Junior Jumble Prediction. And when I say Jumble, I mean 9-7 to 7-9 potential. It probably won’t happen. But here’s what won’t happen either! HAHAHA!

1. Seattle Seahawks (The Lion in Winter. A.K.A. This is the last run of this incarnation.)
2. San Fransisco 49ers(They are the Raymond of 2008. Why? Everybody loves them LOL! Seriously, Darrell Jackson breaks down before this team makes the playoffs.)
3. Arizona Cardinals (Everybody’s perpetual sleeper fails again! A good passing game can’t carry you all the way.)
4. St. Louis Rams (The defense is awful. And if you’re looking at a passing game of Bruce and Bennett more than Holt and Bruce? They will be at the bottom of the junior jumble.)

PLAYOFFS?

Wild Card Weekend: Packers at Eagles, Panthers at Seahawks.
Divisional Playoffs: Eagles at Bears, Panthers at Saints
NFC Championship: Eagles at Saints
NFC Representative: New Orleans Saints (Wait…)

I predict the NFL South in an annoyingly cryptic fashion.

I will say nothing. Thereby saying everything. I will be everywhere and nowhere. I will be unimportant and IMPORTANT!

I will shut it up. And take it to me with the predictions.

1. New Orleans Saints (The sequel to the dramatic dream season is always lesser. Watch Marques Colston’s tree trunks.)
2. Carolina Panthers (Redemption? Thy name is third down conversions.)
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Like the ancient mariner, so too Tampa is cursed by the dying Albatross.)
4. Atlanta Falcons (They shall surprise some people. But it shall not last. A four letter network will interest few humans, but the piece will destroy a fan of Ms. Pac Man.) 

As far as wild cards go? A representative comes from here. But it’s not the Panthers. Unless it is.

Sorry. I’m being a douche. Be back with the NFC North. Will I homer out?

STAY TUNED!

Random Blather…Things I’m thinking but don’t need to blog about…

• We got our first tip! A nice statistical breakdown of the Non-Yankee New York baseball teams from commenter The Brooklyn Boy at Just Left of Nowhere. I’d read it if I were you. I’d read it if I wasn’t you either. Man up!
• Who’s got two thumbs and totally scooped the USA Today? That’s right, this guy! (With a generous Steve Nash boo-ya to young Mr. Elvi).
• The Dugout series with David Wells and Kirk Gibson in recent weeks has been some of their best works.
• Quentin Tarantino’s careening down the Peter Bogdonavich career path. Every shitty screenwriter in the late 90’s hates him for it. Their God has led then astray.
• How could there be a Best of Mind of Mencia? I mean COME ON.
• Are we surprised that Tucker Carlson went all hate crime on a gay dude? You are? HAH! Dumbass.

Get 40 seconds in. He’s just class right there.

• Will Forte? Outside of the Drycleaner/Actor in Flight of the Conchords I don’t like him. Mister Patterson does not enjoy the works of Will Arnett. Ask our opinion of The Brothers Solomon.
• It’s a shame that it doesn’t look like Sheets can stem the tide. Cubs 5 Brewers 3, top of 8. Brewers are a game and a half out if they lose.
• If you play Hollywood Stock Exchange, believe in Walk Hard. It’s the time for a biopic parody. And it has the sheen of APATOW!
• The best skateboard related video game was, is, and forever shall be Skate or Die.

Any thoughts of randomness, feel free to leave a comment. Mullah Cimoc? I’m hoping for your opinion on Tony Hawk?