Sports in Brief.

• Rutgers 30, South Florida 27. Ray Rice is Chamillionaire featuring Slick Rick compared to Walter Walker’s hip-hop police.
• You want another reason to hate the Colorado Rockies? They are trying to tradmark the bastion of classic rock stations, and the way South Carolina’s favorite son wishes to remember this holiest of months. That’s right. The Colorado Rockies want to trademark Rocktober. I say unto them only this. Jesus was a man whom believed in charitable deeds.
• Sure, Josh Beckett cares not for the reindeer games of the Cleveland Indians. However, with all the idiots that had to proclaim a team that was DOWN in the series as already having it locked up, you know whom I’m rooting for if the Red Sox actually prove the Massholes right? A crippling players strike.
• Am I the only one who doesn’t find Gilbert Arenas’ shenanigans cute anymore? Seriously, he’s the Jon Heder of basketball. Less lazy bloggers, this is all your fault.
• Apparently, the Yankees are unhappy with ESPN’s coverage of the Torre situation. In other news? Water is dry and up is dowm.
• Yeah, I said dowm. It is that weird.
• I hate that the SEC has both games of the week this week. If Auburn can prove themselves sexy vs. LSU? The ramifications may be scary. And we all know about Tebow v. Woodson.
• My fantasy football team sucks and it’s my fault.
• Oates loves the fact that UConn is now at 7-1. Oates loves them Huskies.
• 
• Also, Shawne Merriman should be tested for the chlamydia.
• 

i love you bye for now!

I took a meeting with a hack producer.

How do I know he’s hack? His production company is not in the Greater Los Angeles Metropolitan Area. But it’s not as if he didn’t have money. It’s just that he didn’t have enough money for my brilliant treatment.

What could be so brilliant? Oh, how about a little thing called the Gilbert Arenas Halo Controversy!

(Shut up.)

MASTER CHEAT

What IF? A dominant, flaky, closer DILBERT ARENAS gets Shanghai’ed into a military campaign by a Faceless Military man and the pretty computer lady that lives in his head based on his video game skills.

It’s your basic SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL SHERIFF meets THE LAST STARFIGHTER.

After taking out the Colorado Rockies on nine pitchers, our hero Dilbert sweet talks the local media. And after a successful twenty minutes of framing his image, the only people whom are left are a rifle wielding solidier with a faceplate covering his face. He calls himself “THE DUKE,” and in his head is the voice of a girl, she calls herself CORDELIA. And since Dilbert is the greatest player at their game ANGELSTORM EXTREME, they are asking for his help to finish the fight.

DILBERT: OH SNAP!

Suffice it to say, Dilbert demures. But The Duke? He insists.

THE DUKE: I INSIST! BOOM!

Dilbert takes a rifle smash to the face, and when next he wakes up? He’s getting briefed for battle. And he gets sent into battle. And put it this way? It doesn’t work out near the way Dilbert thought it would.

QUITE FRANKLY, IT WAS AN ABJECT DISASTER!

Dilbert survives by running, but he gets thrown into space jail. That’s where he runs into Cordelia. And after a tasteful sex scene and a rocking montage, Dilbert’s ready to finish the fight. He learns something about not using shortcuts to get to the top…and maybe a little something about himself?

LET MY VA-JAY-JAY HEAL YOUR ACHING SOUL…

WHERE?: New Shea Stadium and OUTER SPACE…SPace…space…

WHY?: Because it would be awesome! Baseball, cheating, sex and violence. It is the quinessential All-american film.

It’s the movie that will heal this nation.

…

Oh, and the lady from Transformers is attached as CORDELIA

———-

Yeah. It would have made three hundred million dollars too. I have no clue how they passed. They offered me ten dollars to never come back.

I asked for twenty. I got nothing.

I could have had Chinese food at the buffet that’s a front for a cult.

I am sad now.

YAY!

So Gilbert Arenas argued his end of the semantics…

I just have one question for the Black President.

• Who did you steal the story at the end from?

Yeah. I said it. You stole that story at the end. You went Hibachi! And the dude was all “Where did my story go?!?”

Wheee!

Gilbert Arenas: Lamest Villain Ever.

Remember how there was an uproar over Gilbert Areans straight out Mencia-ing a joke? No? We’ll let’s go to a man whom I consider to be a Holiday Monkey for a refresher. 

• Edwards: Ain’t no such thing as shark attacks.
• Gilbert: There is no such thing as a shark attack.
• Edwards: We live on the land. Sharks live in the water. If you get caught down there, you trespassing.
• Gilbert: We’re humans. We live on land. Sharks live in water. So if you’re swimming in the water and a shark bites you, that’s called trespassing.
• Edwards: You know what a real shark attack is? A real shark attack is if you someplace you supposed to be and a shark shows up. That’s a shark attack. Is if you someplace you supposed to be and a shark shows up. If you in the crib taking a shower tonight and you feel a tap on your shoulder and you turn around, ‘What’s up playa, shark attack time baby.’
• Gilbert: A shark attack is if you’re chilling at home, sitting on your couch, and a shark comes in and bites you; now that’s a shark attack.

And Gilbert’s defense boiled down to nothing more than. I’m Gilbert Arenas! I am the BASF of Popular Culture. Don’t believe me…

• Yeah, you’ve all been talking about it. I used someone else’s joke. What’s the big deal? I thought it was funny, I blogged it, you all laughed. Mission accomplished. Listen, nobody even heard of Ian Edwards before me. He’s no Chris Rock. I helped him become famous. Now everybody is going to YouTube and looking him up.

  The joke was worth about $7 when I heard it, now that I’ve used it’s probably worth a little bit more. I’ll sell it back to him for $7.78. Seventy-eight cents, Ian, you can put that in a royalties check made out to me.

  Puffy and Ashanti made careers out of stealing other people’s beats. This is America, the land of the reused.

  If you think about it, nothing is original. Every joke has been retold at some point. What I did was recycle a new joke instead of waiting for it to get old. It was too funny not to. I mean, at least I picked a good joke, right? It’s not like it was some lame, “Yo momma” joke.

Gilbert Arenas: I don’t make the pop culture you like, I make the pop culture you like better.

Now apparently, at least according to the source who I’m co-reporting this story with. Gilbert Arenas cheats at video games. Halo 3 to be precise. He multi-accounts games and quits out the “bots.”

Here is an evidentary example. But if it’s true. Man, that’s just lame. A celebrity whom has to cheat at video games? Really?

You couldn’t just have a guy whom racks up the Microsoft achievement points for you? I understand you are a busy man, but every Entourage needs the video game guy. You’re supposed to be better than that. You know the kids look up to you.

And you let them down. Each and every last child that looks up to you. For shame, Gilbert.

For shame. You’re like the Hypno Hustler of Villians.

I’m also guessing he cheats at online poker.

Apparently, Novak Djokovic does parties and Bar Mitzvahs as well…

The star of the U.S. Open was not Federer nor Henin. It was Novak Djokovic. He’s a tennis player with that it factor that was lacking in that sport for forever.

Charisma. Personality. Bon vivant?

He probably is. But you know what else he does.

Sing.

SING.

SING!!!!!!!

Hat tip to the Big Lead. They inspired the dive in.

NFC West: PREDICICTCTCTCTCTCTCTCTIONSSSSS111!!!!

Okay. NFC West Junior Jumble Prediction. And when I say Jumble, I mean 9-7 to 7-9 potential. It probably won’t happen. But here’s what won’t happen either! HAHAHA!

1. Seattle Seahawks (The Lion in Winter. A.K.A. This is the last run of this incarnation.)
2. San Fransisco 49ers(They are the Raymond of 2008. Why? Everybody loves them LOL! Seriously, Darrell Jackson breaks down before this team makes the playoffs.)
3. Arizona Cardinals (Everybody’s perpetual sleeper fails again! A good passing game can’t carry you all the way.)
4. St. Louis Rams (The defense is awful. And if you’re looking at a passing game of Bruce and Bennett more than Holt and Bruce? They will be at the bottom of the junior jumble.)

PLAYOFFS?

Wild Card Weekend: Packers at Eagles, Panthers at Seahawks.
Divisional Playoffs: Eagles at Bears, Panthers at Saints
NFC Championship: Eagles at Saints
NFC Representative: New Orleans Saints (Wait…)

Random Blather…Things I’m thinking but don’t need to blog about…

• We got our first tip! A nice statistical breakdown of the Non-Yankee New York baseball teams from commenter The Brooklyn Boy at Just Left of Nowhere. I’d read it if I were you. I’d read it if I wasn’t you either. Man up!
• Who’s got two thumbs and totally scooped the USA Today? That’s right, this guy! (With a generous Steve Nash boo-ya to young Mr. Elvi).
• The Dugout series with David Wells and Kirk Gibson in recent weeks has been some of their best works.
• Quentin Tarantino’s careening down the Peter Bogdonavich career path. Every shitty screenwriter in the late 90’s hates him for it. Their God has led then astray.
• How could there be a Best of Mind of Mencia? I mean COME ON.
• Are we surprised that Tucker Carlson went all hate crime on a gay dude? You are? HAH! Dumbass.

Get 40 seconds in. He’s just class right there.

• Will Forte? Outside of the Drycleaner/Actor in Flight of the Conchords I don’t like him. Mister Patterson does not enjoy the works of Will Arnett. Ask our opinion of The Brothers Solomon.
• It’s a shame that it doesn’t look like Sheets can stem the tide. Cubs 5 Brewers 3, top of 8. Brewers are a game and a half out if they lose.
• If you play Hollywood Stock Exchange, believe in Walk Hard. It’s the time for a biopic parody. And it has the sheen of APATOW!
• The best skateboard related video game was, is, and forever shall be Skate or Die.

Any thoughts of randomness, feel free to leave a comment. Mullah Cimoc? I’m hoping for your opinion on Tony Hawk?

So, do you remember a simpler time?

A time when a drunken high speed chase that ends with a tasering was the dark mark on the NFL? When Koren Robinson’s Green Bay Packer career was numbered from the moment he signed? It was a calculated risk, but it looks like it failed.

After all, guess what got lost in the groundswell of the Vick? 

That just clears the receiver corp. Now there’s six receivers who could very well play of the Pack. And Koren Robinson just gets lost in the bin of history.

On the subject, 2001 was a great year for draft busts, huh? Vick (allegedly) and Robinson get bounced as criminals. Gerard Warren gets bounced. David Terrell, Rod Gardner, and Jamal Reynolds just sucked. Kenyatta Walker is remembered as such. Freddie Mitchell’s only strength was in the sartorial. Dan Morgan will be concussed out.

And lest we forget Willie Middlebrooks and Jamar Fletcher.

I love yous go to: Pro Football Talk

People who I want to write for. Phase I!

This may become a regular thing but right now let’s go one at a time.  Keep this in mind.  These are people I want to write for.  There are things and businesses and shows that I want to write for but that’s my business, not yours. 

 

 Today’s person I want to write for is Gilbert Arenas.  It’s speculated that Arenas wants to do a reality show.  I want to be his head writer if that becomes a reality.  I would place him in silly situations and give him good comebacks and lines.  Wouldn’t it just be a “wacky” situation if Gilbert Arenas went to the Espy’s and lit Lebron James on fire! (keep in mind James knows this will happen and is in a flame proof suit) While Lebron is on fire Arenas will look at the camera and say,’The King is always FLAME BROILED!”

Also, I think Arenas should get a meeting with Stan Lee and pitch a new graphic novel.  “The Adventures of the Hibachi Hitman and his sidekick Sheriff Gonna Getcha!” 

Please hire me Agent Zero!

Love,

Elvi!

Draft Thoughts (16-20)

Nick Young G/USC to the Wizards. He gets to feel the magic of learning from Agent Zero. Woot!

Nets take Sean Williams out of Boston College. Good talent. Bad brain. If they’re not going to take Zack Randolph, it’s not a bad simulacrum.

It’s Randolph and junk for Francis and Channing Frye? Wow. The Blazers stole from Isiah there. Sincerely.

Marco Belinelli to the Warriors. Well. I have nothing to say here that’s relevant, true, or funny. I thought he was related to Kids in the Hall Writer Paul Bellini.

Seriously.

God. Jim Gray seems like an unctous prick. He makes my head hurt.

And then…IF YOU DON’T HAVE KOBE, HE’S NOT GOING TO WIN ANYWAY!

Apologies to you and yours for that.

Yay! A wrigley’s gum/Nascar/ESPN synergystic clusterfuck!

Javaris Crittendon as a #1 to the Lakers? Another good potential play. If he hits, blah blah blah Kobe Bryant, blah blah blah, just kill me instead of torturing me with this dross, Norby Williamson!

Hey! I’m over 50,000 views! Yay for navel-gazing! Yay!

Who can’t beat the Heat thus he must join them?

Jason Smith, a tall guy from Colorado State. He’s got no motor.

YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!