Now, the San Antonio Spurs are the least fun to hate dynasty in Sports. It’s true. Look at them compared to a team like the Dallas Cowboys. Dallas is like a Star Wars prequel. You have an underperforming Golden Boy in Tony Romo Skywalker, a guy who fails in the clutch like Mace Windu Owens, and Adam Pac-Man Jones is like so many Lando Calrissians.
I A’INT GONNA BE IN YOUR GOT DAMN PREQUEL!
But we at the Grand National Championships say we will find good reasons to hate your San Antonio Spurs. Some of them are obvious. (OVER MY DEAD BODY!) Some of them, might surprise you. We will work in Alphabetical Order, if only to build up suspense.
BRENT BARRY (G/F)
With his slam-dunk championship in 1996, Brent Barry effectively killed the slam dunk championship as real NBA entertainment. He also carried this championship and the one time he led the league in three point field-goal percentage into being highly overrated. He really is just a giant Eddie House. And specific motherufckers like that should not have five playoff teams sniffing around him.
MATT BONNER (F)
Nickname: Red Rocket
BRUCE BOWEN (F)
Bruce Bowen would not be in the league except for the fact he mauls whom he tasked to defend. He will go all Bruce Lee on a superstar if it’s going to help. Ask Chris Paul or Steve Nash what his denfense entails. In prison, they would call it a tender love story.
TIM DUNCAN (F/C)
Tim Duncan has never committed a foul. Ever. He will let you know this in the most vociferous terms. A foul to him is like sex with a slumpbuster.
True Story: Tim Duncan once was thrown out of a foot locker after an employee called him on bumping into him by the Air Force Ones.
MICHAEL FINLEY (G/F)
Appeared in Like Mike, Punk’d, Quite Frankly with Steven A. Smith, and The Apprentice. Need I say more?
MANU GINOBILI (SG)
Those who have played with Ginobili in the Italian Leagues know that beyond his Duncanesque inability to accept a foul call and his Bowenesque mauling of offensive players, he is not at his most dangerous on the court. He was at his best on the road trips, hitting on anything that moves.
ROBERT HORRY (F)
For somebody so well-known, he really does nothing of value for the 82-game season and about 47 minutes and 30 seconds of playoff games. He used to be the Nate Dogg that brought #1 jams to everybody from Warren G to Eminem. Now? He’s nothing more than Bruce Bowen’s tag team partner in the three time AWA Tag Team Championship winning team of Bad Company.
“Cheap shots and heel tactics for everybody!” Says Horry.
IAN MAHINMI (C)
Does not use his Frenchness to fight crime. He’s in the D-League, what else is there for him to do?
Mahinmi would fit right in.
FABRICIO OBERTO (C)
Crazy enough to assume that people would want Fabricio Oberto widgets for their social networking homepages and text alerts to their cell phones. He holds meetings for the Obertons, the Fabricio Oberto fan club, and there is no promised punch or pie. Also, his beef jerky is terrible.
TONY PARKER (G)
There is a voluminous array of reasons to hate on Tony Parker (from his flopping to his sexing of the Queen of the Harpies), but if I am going to go in greater detail? I was told it would be over her dead body…
And seeing as she’s too smart for any of my deathtraps, (or I’m too lazy to work on one,) I’ll just leave you with this. Watch and feel the hate flow.
DAMON STOUDAMIRE (G)
Corrupted by the influence of the Jail Blazers. In Toronto? He was going to be the next great point guard. But he went from Mighty Mouse to the master of the giggling green. He wasted his skills just because he wanted to go deeper with the taste of a convenience store chicken ‘n’ swiss.
KURT THOMAS (F/C)
Here’s the thing. He’s a hard worker. He plays with high energy. He’s been on many teams, but they’ve always wanted him. He works with charities and he will play hurt.
But point of fact? His favorite book is Waiting to Exhale. Seriously.
IME UDOKA (F)
Has one of the least accurate fake MySpace profiles of all time. Also? Bruce Bowen has taken him under his wing. Hate him for that if nothing else.
JACQUE VAUGHN (G)
An excellent academic. A renaissance man who lists Sylvia Plath among his favorite authors. But as floppers go? He rates as a negative 8 on the Duke University flop scale. Please do enjoy.
This is your NBA dynasty. A bunch of addicts, cheap shot artists, floppers, punks, and wannabes. They’ve brought the game back into the dark ages.
I’m not writing this as a fan of the NOOCH. I’m writing this because this team has got to be stopped. I don’t care if it gives Kobe another ring. I don’t even care if it allows Boston fans to act like D-Bags.
The Spurs are all that is wrong with the on-court game of basketball. We can fade a lesser evil.