The Grand National Championships

May 18, 2008

The Guide to Hating Your Spurs

Now, the San Antonio Spurs are the least fun to hate dynasty in Sports. It’s true. Look at them compared to a team like the Dallas Cowboys. Dallas is like a Star Wars prequel. You have an underperforming Golden Boy in Tony Romo Skywalker, a guy who fails in the clutch like Mace Windu Owens, and Adam Pac-Man Jones is like so many Lando Calrissians.


I A’INT GONNA BE IN YOUR GOT DAMN PREQUEL!

But we at the Grand National Championships say we will find good reasons to hate your San Antonio Spurs. Some of them are obvious. (OVER MY DEAD BODY!) Some of them, might surprise you. We will work in Alphabetical Order, if only to build up suspense.


BRENT BARRY (G/F)

With his slam-dunk championship in 1996, Brent Barry effectively killed the slam dunk championship as real NBA entertainment. He also carried this championship and the one time he led the league in three point field-goal percentage into being highly overrated. He really is just a giant Eddie House. And specific motherufckers like that should not have five playoff teams sniffing around him. 

 
MATT BONNER (F)

Nickname: Red Rocket


BRUCE BOWEN (F)

Bruce Bowen would not be in the league except for the fact he mauls whom he tasked to defend. He will go all Bruce Lee on a superstar if it’s going to help. Ask Chris Paul or Steve Nash what his denfense entails. In prison, they would call it a tender love story.


TIM DUNCAN (F/C)

Tim Duncan has never committed a foul. Ever. He will let you know this in the most vociferous terms. A foul to him is like sex with a slumpbuster.

True Story: Tim Duncan once was thrown out of a foot locker after an employee called him on bumping into him by the Air Force Ones.


MICHAEL FINLEY (G/F)

Appeared in Like Mike, Punk’d, Quite Frankly with Steven A. Smith, and The Apprentice. Need I say more? 


MANU GINOBILI (SG)

Those who have played with Ginobili in the Italian Leagues know that beyond his Duncanesque inability to accept a foul call and his Bowenesque mauling of offensive players, he is not at his most dangerous on the court. He was at his best on the road trips, hitting on anything that moves.

From this…

To this…


ROBERT HORRY (F)

For somebody so well-known, he really does nothing of value for the 82-game season and about 47 minutes and 30 seconds of playoff games. He used to be the Nate Dogg that brought #1 jams to everybody from Warren G to Eminem. Now? He’s nothing more than Bruce Bowen’s tag team partner in the three time AWA Tag Team Championship winning team of Bad Company.


“Cheap shots and heel tactics for everybody!” Says Horry.


IAN MAHINMI (C)

Does not use his Frenchness to fight crime. He’s in the D-League, what else is there for him to do?


Mahinmi would fit right in.


FABRICIO OBERTO (C)

Crazy enough to assume that people would want Fabricio Oberto widgets for their social networking homepages and text alerts to their cell phones. He holds meetings for the Obertons, the Fabricio Oberto fan club, and there is no promised punch or pie. Also, his beef jerky is terrible.


TONY PARKER (G)

There is a voluminous array of reasons to hate on Tony Parker (from his flopping to his sexing of the Queen of the Harpies), but if I am going to go in greater detail? I was told it would be over her dead body…

And seeing as she’s too smart for any of my deathtraps, (or I’m too lazy to work on one,) I’ll just leave you with this. Watch and feel the hate flow.


DAMON STOUDAMIRE (G)

Corrupted by the influence of the Jail Blazers. In Toronto? He was going to be the next great point guard. But he went from Mighty Mouse to the master of the giggling green. He wasted his skills just because he wanted to go deeper with the taste of a convenience store chicken ‘n’ swiss.


KURT THOMAS (F/C)

Here’s the thing. He’s a hard worker. He plays with high energy. He’s been on many teams, but they’ve always wanted him. He works with charities and he will play hurt.

But point of fact? His favorite book is Waiting to Exhale. Seriously.


IME UDOKA (F)

Has one of the least accurate fake MySpace profiles of all time. Also? Bruce Bowen has taken him under his wing. Hate him for that if nothing else.


JACQUE VAUGHN (G)

An excellent academic. A renaissance man who lists Sylvia Plath among his favorite authors. But as floppers go? He rates as a negative 8 on the Duke University flop scale. Please do enjoy.

This is your NBA dynasty. A bunch of addicts, cheap shot artists, floppers, punks, and wannabes. They’ve brought the game back into the dark ages.

I’m not writing this as a fan of the NOOCH. I’m writing this because this team has got to be stopped. I don’t care if it gives Kobe another ring. I don’t even care if it allows Boston fans to act like D-Bags.

The Spurs are all that is wrong with the on-court game of basketball. We can fade a lesser evil.

 

21 Comments »

  1. I can’t for the life of me figure out why nobody is paying you to write. That was the funniest thing, ever. Everything you write is so creative and your posts are totally not one big long cliche of repurposed garb you read somewhere a few years ago. I mean, take this gem for example: “[Bowen] will go all Bruce Lee on a superstar if it’s going to help.” Just incredible. Did you make that up, because I’ve never heard that before. What a fag.

    Love,

    That was awful

    Comment by That was awful — May 19, 2008 @ 6:31 am |Reply

  2. [...] Inhistoric.com – NBA fans across the U.S. are nearly unanimous: No. More. Spurs. – The Grand National Championships – And here’s a guide to hating those Spurs. – Gilbertology – Rodney White, Joseph Forte, and [...]

    Pingback by Reading is Great! Monday’s NBA Rumors, Breaking News, and Blog Links - EmptyTheBench.com — May 19, 2008 @ 9:32 am |Reply

  3. Dear That Was Awful,

    Thank you for the compliment regarding my writing. It’s nice to see that my work is so appreciated by the readers. I hope you appreciated my Ian Mahinmi reference, as that is the one I am most proud of.

    KEEP READING FOR THE STARS,

    ANDREW

    Comment by Andrew — May 19, 2008 @ 10:29 am |Reply

  4. [...] Or maybe it’s because people are just sick and tired of the Spurs. To be fair, aside from a combined two minutes of interaction with Gregg Poppovich and Manu Ginobli, I don’t haven’t made much of an attempt to talk to the Spurs. All I can say is that Poppovich can be a boorish ass and Manu is open about the problem with his country’s soccer hooligans. Really that just leaves me free to link to this guide to hating the Spurs. [...]

    Pingback by Best Of New Orleans Blog » Blog Archive » What’s that now? The Hornets are favorites tonight? — May 19, 2008 @ 1:53 pm |Reply

  5. AWESOME. (But don’t say NOOCH. Someone from New Orleans will go Bruce Bowen on your ass if you’re caught saying that in public. Guaranteed.)

    Comment by ticktock6 — May 19, 2008 @ 1:54 pm |Reply

  6. Dear That was awful,

    You have a very sensitive gaydar, it must go off a lot on the Riverwalk.

    Comment by K — May 19, 2008 @ 2:04 pm |Reply

  7. ticktock:

    I would say NOH, but that would make me sound like an Anime fanboy.

    I’ll think of something if they win tonight.

    Comment by Andrew — May 19, 2008 @ 2:26 pm |Reply

  8. Its a cute wish list of sorts but you don’t actually make your point that they should be hated like the Cowboys. Is it just Texas teams you don’t like, or just teams that win? Bruuuuuce…”he doesn’t have any children, because he won’t even let his wife score”

    I love my boring, flopping, foul arguing Spurs!

    Comment by Spursfanindallas — May 19, 2008 @ 3:13 pm |Reply

  9. I don’t make that point, sure.

    But it’s not a wish list. Kurt Thomas’ favorite novel is Waiting to Exhale, and Manu Ginobili loves fatties.

    Comment by Andrew — May 19, 2008 @ 3:25 pm |Reply

  10. [...] The Guide. [...]

    Pingback by The Guide to Hating Your Spurs « Breakfast For Champions — May 19, 2008 @ 4:51 pm |Reply

  11. So which one of the teams that you liked did we take out? Thats why there are so many haters, cuz your teams can’t beat us. And don’t be mad at Manu, I’ve met his wife. Shes hot. I think you guys are just tired of watching us win. Don’t worry, Tim will retire in 2010 with 5 or 6 rings. Then LBJ and Garrnet and all those other “superstars” can win there rings. By the way when I read the headline, I read because I thought that this might be at least kinda funny. Yeah, you should probably stop blogging. Cuz this was pretty horrible. I bet you put alot of work into this to. sad.

    -Manu Ginobili once faught a tornado

    Comment by getoffCp3swang — May 20, 2008 @ 10:46 am |Reply

  12. Thank you for your question about the Milwaukee Bucks, sadly, my basketball team is bad at life and cannot make the playoffs for the next few years. And as for the rest of the comment? I’ve been to the Riverwalk, it’s as overrated as your impersonation of a Patriots fan.

    And you know that Ginobili would have hit the ground as soon as the tornado touched down, don’t even try any of that noise.

    Comment by Andrew — May 20, 2008 @ 11:23 am |Reply

  13. this is really just sad and pathetic. this article is like the old-man-in-a-wheelchair-with-a-colostomy-bag of sports blog articles. you are a lonely turd in the toilet bowl of life. if you spent half the energy you waste hating the spurs on writing a responsible, compelling, well thought out blog then . . . well, you would still suck, but at least you wouldn’t annoy me. although, i have to say, for a half-retard, it is impressive that you have learned to a)turn on a computer b)hit the keys c)cut and paste. or did your mommy, whose basement you undoubtedly live in, help you?

    Comment by dave — May 20, 2008 @ 7:30 pm |Reply

  14. Wow, that’s some real Austin style progressivism for you, eh?

    A man who insults people getting dealt from a cold deck in life, a man who has to play the tired old blogging chestnut (you forgot to ask if I was posting in my underwear, chief).

    I mean, really. I you’re making fun of people who have done nothing to you over me making fun of a fake MySpace page.

    Take a tip from the Spurs fan in Dallas. Show class. Show love for your villains, but don’t roll up in here like that Dave.

    Seek help.

    Love,

    The Grand National Championships

    Comment by Andrew — May 20, 2008 @ 7:57 pm |Reply

  15. The military sent me to San Antonio about three years ago, so had no loyalty to this team prior to me moving here. I grew up in the Deep South and lived and died with the Hawks (mostly died!) Having said that, perhaps many of the Spur haters need another perspective. From a Spur fan standpoint, the team has been knocked down, stepped on, face-slapped, and bruised up so many times that they are (over the last few years) beginning to demand calls (arguing with the refs.) After years of being slammed to the floor, they now are fighting back. Spur fans read what Spur haters write and think, “Hmmm, was that me writing that about other teams?” What you say the Spurs are, Spur fans see the Suns, Mavs, Pistons, and Lakers et al doing the same. You cry out that the Spurs play dirty. Spur fans cry out that the Suns, Mavs & Pistons play dirty. You cry out that the Spurs “flop,” while Spur fans cry out that Nash, CP3, and others “flop.” It is all relative to who your favorite team is and who keeps beating them. Now, the Spurs are the dynasty and everyone hates a dynasty (i.e. Yankees & Patriots). Many complain the Spurs are not “exciting,” but on the contrary, their team attitude leads them to make pass after pass with the shot coming with 1 or 2 seconds left on the shot clock. The shot goes in and it’s a thriller. Parker drives the lane against 3 or 4 giants and somehow the ball banks off the backboard and through the net so tenderly, like a French kiss. No one can argue that coach Pop brings in a bit of his military background as coach. He reminds me of Vince Lombardi. His philosophy is; do it right and do it as a team. Who can argue with that? In a world of stingy, self-aggrandizing, selfish, me-me-me individuals, it is refreshing to see a coach, a team and an organization doing it right. I bet if those of you who are not Spur fans, saw the Spurs through a pair of Spur glasses and tried to be objective you would see what I have learned over the past 2 years. IF they flop, the do it to make a point that the other team has been doing it all night! If they foul hard, it is probably because they are tired of being ambushed under the basket and decided to finally return the favors. If anyone reviews last years “hip-check” Horry put on Nash in slow mo, you will see it wasn’t that hard of a “check.” If you watch 100 plays like the one between West and Horry, you will find about 99 of them where the defender puts up an arm to brace himself against the man backing into him. West had a bad back, but to think Horry pre-meditated the precise angle and back level in the .03 seconds it took to brace himself is ludicrous. I have abandoned the Hawks for the Spurs for one reason. TEAM concept, Pop’s style of coaching and the Spurs work ethic. Put on Spur sun-glasses and look at it from our perspective. Amarie Stoudemire, Howard, Terry, are ALL much more dirty than Bowen or Horry. But the Spurs are tired of being the pounding board so now they have decided to pay back in full. Can’t blame them. Last second shots, Parker driving in the land of the giants, watching a Manu tres . . . it doesn’t get any more exciting than that!

    Comment by Spurs R new 2 me. — May 20, 2008 @ 11:37 pm |Reply

  16. i was just trying to communicate on your level, skippy. an immature post deserves an immature response. i’m sorry about the “cold deck” life has dealt you, because i was talking to you, bubba, nobody else. if you are making fun of a myspace page, then this post is horrible on a whole new level. so, congratulations on that. sorry for the way i “roll up in here like that”. i didn’t know you were so gangsta. dude, are you really advising someone else to show some class? that’s like your mom telling some other lady not to be such a whore. try harder next time!

    Comment by dave — May 23, 2008 @ 3:54 pm |Reply

  17. Dave.

    By your logic, wouldn’t a mature comment deserve a mature response?

    Keep it crack-a-lackin!

    The Grand National Championships

    Comment by Andrew — May 23, 2008 @ 7:52 pm |Reply

  18. yes. i agree. wait. was there a mature comment?

    Comment by dave — May 24, 2008 @ 2:30 pm |Reply

  19. It’s amazing

    Comment by Karpiroxia — August 2, 2008 @ 9:06 pm |Reply

  20. The Dallas Cowboys are on the brink of another Super Bowl, they just need to NOT screw it up.

    Comment by Dallas Cowboys — August 24, 2008 @ 10:48 am |Reply

  21. Ok, you can hate on the Spurs all you want but Brent Barry is not overrated. If anything, he is the opposite. He’s like one of the nicest players and never gets in anyone’s face or celebrates unnecessarily after dunking or hitting a 3. I’ve never even seen him react to hitting a good shot.

    Comment by CDN — January 22, 2009 @ 10:49 pm |Reply


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