The Internets are going to ruin the deal.

(Would you still love me if I called him the White Mickey Mantle?)

We at the Grand National Championships love the Manic Indie Thrill. We feel a certain sense of pride in showing love for Curtis Granderson before anybody else did on a regular basis. And why else have we not interviewed anybody of the field of sports?

It’s Indie!

But that’s not to say that we don’t enjoy the enjoyment of the consensus. Spurs hate? We’ve got Spurs hate. Love for the classy lady. We have that too.

But here’s one problem we have. We cannot abide those who reuse memes. Sure, Chuck Norris had an array of spectacular tall tales about him. And it ran good. They got a book deal out of it.

But what the problem is? CHUCK NORRIS WASN’T FIRST.

“I ONCE SAW HIM SCISSOR KICK ANGELA LANSBURY!”

If you don’t know, there’s no need to call somebody. I’ll tell you. That was a Bill Brasky quote. And in the modern days of Pop Culture. This was the innovator. This was the jam.

Chuck Norris sampled the Brasky Beats and got himself famous on it. Now? With any developing superstar, there has to come a site with recycled “fun” facts. If it’s not Tim Tebow, it’s Cole Hamels. And it is all made of suck.

All of it.

So where’s the problem at? See, friend of blog Babes Love Baseball had to roll up with news of Jay Bruce and his game winning homer. And while that wasn’t a problem…

BOO-YA!

The comments section was.

sweetbob said…

Jay Bruce could probably beat up Kimbo Slice….but he would probably need to use a baseball bat.

Saturday, May 31, 2008  

Megs said…

Jay Bruce could probably teach Chuck Norris a thing or two about hi-yas.

Saturday, May 31, 2008  

Jacob said…

Jay Bruce could probably eat more hot dogs in one meal than Kobyashi could in a year.

————————————————-

Let me say this as plainly as possible. Stop it. Stop it now. Memes aren’t cool.

And if any of you suckers tag me…

You don’t wanna know!

I’m about to telegraph my nerdy…

If you didn’t know already, and even if Phillip Rivers told you to ask somebody.

I just have one brief thought. If the Democratic Rules and Bylaws committee wants their meetings to have the decorum of a Maury Povich Baby Mamma Drama episode, could we at least have a Putt-Putt Prom Queen make motions instead of Carl Levin?

She would make this at least watchable.

…

Who wants to touch me?

I am about to blow your mind!

But something ESPN’s touched has gone to shit! Can you believe it?

Anyway, as the post before has shown, I was outraged as to how the Spelling Bee is now run. It’s a disappointment to end all disappointments. It’s like finding out there’s no Santa Claus and 100% aren’t really your boys. You just get depressed.

Don’t believe me? Actually have a life on Friday Nights? Well let me tell you why the modern spelling bee blows. 

1. No oversized polo shirts.

Remember when the Bee started on the Worldwide leader? The kids would be wearing white polo shirts about 25 sizes too big. And in a way? It was perfect. You have this singular group of special kids who, in wearing ill-fitting clothes, were shown to be as misfitted as the child in his schoolyard environment.

Now? They’re wearing their own clothes. It forces them to lose a part of their mystique. And yet, with the move to prime time? ESPN felt a need to add to the pressure.

2. The parents onstage.

Here’s the thing. If you’re socially awkward? National television is not a place where you’re at your best. Add your stage parents on the stage and eliminate the comfort room? That’s just shitty.

Really. Say you’re Wendy Guey (MOGWAI!) and you’re given mycetophagus. You’re stumped. Flat out. You’re time on the stage is growing short. And you throw the desperation full court heave.

You don’t get the comfort room anymore. You have to sit on stage with your stage parents who don’t want to say that they’re so disappointed in you, but you know in your heart that they are, and you have to watch some Indian kid who was bred to detect a dipthong from two towns over take the title that was rightfully yours!

…or so I’ve heard.

3. Spelling shot clock.

Now in certain elements a shot clock is necessary. If school didn’t have a shot clock, no child in their right mind would show. Basketball goes from lame to awesome with a shot clock. But fringe sports?

FRINGE SPORTS DON’T NEED A SHOT CLOCK!

Do you think there isn’t drama in you knowing what a speller doesn’t? Don’t you want the speller rolling out with a miracle guess in minute 4? It’s like the poker player who puts someone to the test with 42 off-suit and the other guy comes up with a miracle call? Pure fucking drama.

A shotclock is another way ESPN has made this spelling bee artificial. Boo. Boo I say.

But the 4th one? The 4th one is going to be the twist that M. Night Shamalyan wishes he could think up. 

4. Erin Andrews

Really. The Bloggers favorite made the spelling conditions worse on this day. I mean, you have a classy lady within your eyeline at all times, and if you’re a dude, I think you had to have her in fantasy mode in the back of her mind. And if you’re a young lady?

This does not engender a fully formed and actualized Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee experience. Not her fault, but come on ESPN. We need Katie Kerwin in our lives like we need gawky kids on National TV!

Then again, when a company decides to take something to “the next level,” this is what happens. The nice cable event? It becomes an overproduced piece of crap. I want my old spelling bee back.

(And if you’re asking if a part of this is bitterness that Sidharth lost? Yes. Yes it is. He’s if Justin Carroll and Rebecca Sealfon had a love child of Spelling Bee awesome.)

  

Call me a Purist…

But ESPN has ruined the Spelling Bee.

I have a four part problem with what they have done. I will expound upon this later. But suffice it to say I have half a mind to wait.

KOBE!

He gave Hack comics an entire new minute of comedy with his I’m sorry ring. He gave kids justification to be ballhogs. He became a villain because his was an Oz Subplot.

But today? None of that matters. Kobe killed the devil.

HOORAY FOR KOBE! 

As for Manu, not even Roseanne can sate the sadness in his heart.

YAY KOBE!

The most offensive YouTube of the Day!

Show me a Vag Post!

Don’t hit the ladies please. K thanks bye.

The Jamario Moon All-Stars

Now here’s a thing I like about the NBA. You have the guys who are all potential who never ever put it all together (if you’re a LSU Power Forward, you fall into this category). But then there are the scrappy dudes who get everything out of their talent, or are late bloomers, or have marketable skills but real weaknesses. These dudes are awesome. These are the dudes you need to know about.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY: SLAM DUNK AWESOMENESS!

I’m going to give you a rotation of seven players who, while they may not be sensations on draft day, they do sincerely have a future in the league. You may not see the next David Robinson up in this bitch. But you may yet find the next David Wesley.

MIKE GREEN (PG-BUTLER)

Why he could get passed up? His athleticism and perimiter shooting. They are not good.
Why is he worth your time anyway? Because Mike Green is a captain of the intangible industry. He makes his teammates better, and he’s an excellent floor general. He defends well and makes smart decisions at the one. He’s Steve Blake people!

CHRIS LOFTON (SG-TENNESSEE)

Why could he be passed up? He’s a tweener. He’s got all the wrong parts of the combo guard! Also, he had cancer and tried to play through it, thus his stats suffered. What an asshole.
Why is he still worth your time? If he learns shot selection, he is instant offense. The jello of the NBA is someone who can create their own shot. There’s always room for it.

LEE CUMMARD (SF-BYU)

Why he will be passed up? The stupidest last name. CUMMARD? MORE LIKE CUM-TARD AMIRITE? GET IT!?!?
Why is he still worth your time? He’s a white gunner. Some team’s going to claim him.

MAARTY LEUNEN (PF-OREGON)

Why he could be passed up? Because right now? He’s just useless inside of 10 feet. He cannot take it to the hole. A physical power forward can destroy him.
Why is he still worth your time? It doesn’t say that Leunen doesn’t effort on defense. Also from the mid-block and out, his shooting touch is very silky smooth. Also, a good passer and rebounder. It’s just that his weaknesses are glaring.

ALEKS MARIC (C-NEBRASKA)

Why will he be passed up? He’s downright gawky when he doesn’t have the ball in his hands. He gives good effort, but he’s not exactly Michael McDonald when he’s on D either.
Why is he still worth your time? He’s a low-post scoring threat. He’s got good skills inside of 10 feet, and he did show the Kansas State frontcourt what for in their two meetings. He has a home in Austrailia, but he could be an intriguing back-up. 

MARK TYNDALE (SG/SF-TEMPLE)

Why will he be passed on? He’s a tweener. Undersized at the defensive end. And his shot is questionable, even if he can get it off. Also? He could stand to take care of the ball better. 
Why is he worth your time? His defense is impeccable. Even if he’s 6’5″, he can use his athleticism to harass and shut people down. He has some point forward skills. And he was able to convert a decent amount of the time with his ugly ass J. If Isiah was here? He’d be a first round pick.  

FRANK ELEGAR (PF/C-DREXEL)

Why will he be passed up? While the CAA does have regard in the college basketball school, it’s still a mid-major. And while he’s improved from his junior to his senior year, the Elegar is still raw, especially on the offensive end.
Why is he still worth your time? Because the kid is all upside. A 7’4″ wingspan. And he uses all of it to be nasty on the hustle aspects of defense. His offensive game is nascent, but improving. He’s tailor made for the D-League. The duels with Ian Mahinmi will be classic.

Odds are? One, maybe two of these guys will be truly impactful in the NBA. But the fact of the matter? These are the underdogs. These are the kids you need to root for.

Beasley? Rose? They’re not what you need to worry about.

Give me sleepers or give me death.

Drew!

I’m going to be brief in regards to the hire of Doug Collins…

1989 Called, and they’re sick of him.

Avery Johnson is made of confused right now. Is it racism?

Maybe.

…

What?

Hey look, NOIS has a take! Yay!

4 and 2/3 IP, 8 hits, 6 walks, 6 earned runs.

I’m not saying this because I’m a hater. I’m not. I want to have my previous Seth McClung post proven to be downright ridiculous. I want Seth McClung to be so dominant, random scantily clad women would throw themselves at him to feel his dominance.

See?

But here’s the thing. There’s this metric called game score. It’s a Bill James style method to dictate just how quality a start a person can have. You start with 50. If you get to 70? You’ve got a quality start. If you get to 90? That’s a start you’ll remember for a long time.

Seth McClung’s game score? 19.

19. Ned’s big idea was fucking awesome.

So, Mr. Patterson and I are in a bit of a fight.

I told him about the Horry Kow T-Shirt that makes fun of young Master Fukudome. I said, how can you root for a team that so completely insults a star free agent acquisition?

He says “I want the t-shirt!”

I call him a racist, he calls me fat. It’s a vicious cycle.

But the man who finds Horry Kow as hipster is going to get his wish. The vendors who are getting rich on perpetuating bad stereotypes, have sued the Cubs for the right to be racists at Wrigleyville.

All I’m gonna say? Hate with style and creativity. Wordplay isn’t stylish.

(Also: In the link, a Boston fan, fighting FOR the racists? What is that?!?)