I am INCOGNITO!

You will never find me…unless you know who I be?

Elvi “Will there ever be a rainbow?” Patterson!

The AL West Preview you’ve always wanted.

Okay, you know what? The AL West is like a set of pretty girls doing stuff. Aesthetically pleasing. Initially interesting, but ultimately insubstansial. They do not bring it when it counts.

Quite frankly? The AL West is roughly equivalent to the English Pin-Up Girls. And I will preview them thusly.

4) The Texas Rangers are Katie “Jordan” Price

Of all the teams in the AL, the Texas Rangers are the most uninterestingly garish. Sure Josh Hamilton and the Middle Infield are the rough equivalent of Miss Price’s Mammary Glands, but that’s all they’ve got. Pure and simple? The Rangers are the ugly plastic girl with a poor personality. If they get to 75 wins? They’ll be lucky.

3) The Oakland A’s are Vikki Blows

Like a team that has a youth infusion, there will always be new attractive models in this world. Of the English set, the women in question is Vikki Blows. All the prospects that came after the A’s changed gears will not make a splash for the A’s in 2008. But point of fact? Chris Carter and Gio Gonzalez may not be first, but they sure as heck will be next. And Vikki will emerge for great attractiveness when the A’s kids get ready for battle.

 

2) The Seattle Mariners are Lucy Pinder

As Lucy Pinder is an attractive woman, the Seattle Mariners are a good baseball team. Not oh my god special. But they are pretty good. They loaded themselves up to make a move to escape the shadow of the Angels. But the fact of the matter is, the Angels are a prettier team on paper. And Erik Bedard cannot answer the high cheekbones of John Lackey. They are good, just not good enough to get the pennant.  

1) The Los Angeles Angels (of Anaheim) are Keeley Hazell

This is the preeminent model type woman across the pond. The Los Angeles Angels are the pre-eminent team in the AL West. Sure, the loss of Kelvim Escobar is like a bad hit of plastic surgery on the beautiful playoff contender, but Jon Garland will knock down 85% of all of that production. The only question? Will she float across the pond and knock out the sexy crossover potential?

Yes. I get the sense you may find this a cheap ploy. You may be right.

But the fact remains, the analysis is trenchant. And there will be only one more comparison post until football season.

Thanks for reading.

Be back later..K thnx bye!

I’m taking a hiatus for the long weekend.  It’s not like anyone will miss but alas, I will return to Michigan BEARDLESS!  I will take pics but show you?  I will not. 

I will probably look like this when I return.

I will be so cool looking that I will grow a monocle and assist myself with a snappy cane for it is indeed cane using weather outside. 

While I’m gone you may enjoy the posting styles of Andrew.

Also, why are men always leaving the toilet seat up?

GO KANSAS! AND TIGERS OPENING DAY ON MONDAY!

ELVI!

Hey Adorable Fans?

We’ve been sparse with the adorable lately? We know we have. And since we’ve been hitting you with sports and anger and youtube videos, we will change the game.

The Grand National Championships Presents: CUTE BREAK!

BEING ADORABLE IS SOOOOOOOOOO TIRING!

EVEN DEMON KITTIES ARE ADORABLE!!!

THE PANDA SHOULD NOT GET THE FOUL CALLED UPON HIM!

PEROT FOX OF ADORABLES!!!

You are welcome adorable fans. These animals are quite the cute. YAY!

Hey Brewers Fan?

Do you have faith in Zach Jackson? Do you have hope for him?

Because while I may have said that Seth McClung has an excellent chance of closing games for the Brewers, I will guarantee that Zach will have a great chance of taking the mound for a game that matters. And judging by an MLE 5.69 ERA, 1.68 WHIP, and almost four walks per 9 innings? This shall not bode well.

But how did we get to the point where we have to put our faith in a “monster?”

Starting Pitching Depth is a misnomer.

At the end of last season, the Milwaukee Brewers were in great shape in the rotation. They had 7 starters whom have delivered in some way shape or form last season, and Manny Parra is a lefthanded starter with elite potentials. Sure, it would have been cool if they could have flipped a starter for a decent prospect. But, 8 starters man, it’s a good thing.

Sure, Ben Sheets could very well be nothing more than a mere Mark Prior wannabe in terms of his Dugout portrayal, and Parra is not in love with throwing over 100 innings, but that still leaves 6 valid starters, right?

Nope.

Chris Capuano tore yet another elbow ligament. He needs Tommy John surgery. Yovani Gallardo has a knee injury, that is something that can affect a pitcher’s style very easily.

And now the Brewers up and released Claudio Vargas. Yeah, he is pretty much made of meh. However? Meh as a pitcher is a skill in and of itself. And where does that leave the Brewers rotation?

1. Sheets (Talented when healthy, but he won’t last the season)
2. Gallardo (Pitcher with a bad knee. He will be a wee bit of a question mark.)
3. Parra (If you want him to stay healthy? He can’t pitch more than 130 IP.)
4. Bush (The man is skilled, but he’s wildly inconsistent. I still think he’d be a lot more awesome in the bullpen.)
5. Suppan (The Platinum version of Claudio Vargas.)
6. Villanueva (Pretty good. You need a good set-up man, long man or end of the rotation guy? New House is your man.)

But if you expect Sheets and Parra to miss some time? Who is the man you’ll expect to fill the slot?

CHRIS NARVESON! YEAH!

Or how about we put it this way. Chris Narveson is a man who was once very much like Manny Parra in that he was able to bring it with power. Sadly, he has also brought it like Parra in that he was unable to stay healthy. But unlike Parra, he was unable to come out the other side near to the level where he once was. (If you search out his minor league career? You’ll see that he’s added about two walks per nine innings.)

Also? He’s still injury prone like Ben Sheets.

And you know what that means? We are back to do. 

Or Zach Jackson. This is going to hurt the Brewers in the end. 

(Though, I expect the Brewers to sign a Durbin.)  

The NL East Awesome Show, Great Job

You know what I love? Comedy that goes above and beyond. I don’t mind if the comedy misses. I love comedy that doesn’t take the same well worn road.

This is why I like the Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job. It is whimsically awesome. Indeed, it is the NL East.

However, since the sketches are not 25 man Saturday Night Live affairs, we will be discussing individual players. The rankings will be in order of standings, but this is about players and situationals.

 

5) Dimitri Young is CAROL

Because like Carol, Dimitri Young was able to get himself a poke on in Season 1 of his run on the Nationals. But heading into season two, quite simply, Da Meat Hook Blew it. Like a splash of coffee to the face, Dimitri Young has gained 40 pounds off of his 2007 weight. Now? The man is playing second fiddle to Nick Johnson’s Mr. Henderson. But like Carol, Dimitri will find his way into love before the end of the episode. 

 

4) Luis Gonzalez is Pierre

The Marlins needed to get themselves a veteran influence to teach them life lessons. Luis Gonzalez fills the role ably. He will be able to teach the kinds about dance, proper meat refrigeration, not to mention the relaxing influence of meditation. Because he is here? And now that Hanley Ramirez knows how to properly wear a gold lame jumpsuit? He will be your NL MVP.

 

3) Matt Diaz is James Quall

Like James Quall was plucked from Public Access to become a key player on Adult Swim, so too Matt Diaz for your Atlanta Braves. He did not get to stay for a full year in the big leagues until he was 28. And when he came along? Lefthanders got destroyed like they were Spaghetti and Meatballs, and righthanders did not have much better luck. Matt Diaz is a beach blast for the Braves.

2) Omar Minaya is The Score Settler

Wait, what? That doesn’t–

Yes, I went off the Tim and Eric draft board for the New York Mets, but bear with me. Last year, the New York Mets just didn’t have enough to maintain their claim on the NL East lead when the Phillies ambushed them…in the creek. But Omar Minaya kept digging, and he found gold…GOLD…GOLD!!! In the Minnesota Twins creek, getting Johan Santana for little more than 24 dollars and small pox infectend blankets.

Kevin Mulvey is a walking disease.

(Also, Jon Glaser is DJ Jesus on Lucy, The Daughter of the Devil, so shut up.)

 

1) Ryan Howard is Dr. Steve Brule

It takes a special kind of man to replace Jim Thome. It takes a special kind of man to be so good that you can overshadow an MVP Award Winner without stealing his thunder. It takes a special kind of man to share the name of a character on an awesome sitcom and have no one confuse them. Ryan Howard is that sort of awesome. He will lead the Phillies to the promised land.

He will lead them to the promised land…FOR YOUR HEALTH!

YAY?

YAY!

An Open Letter to Stephen Curry.

I know what you’re thinking. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta or some such nonsense. And yeah, you should feel good. You were the star of the opening weekend. You’re going to have a good 15 seconds of One Shining Moment all to yourself.

And you know what else? Beat a team of no names in Wisconsin, and you’ve made your program. Cinderella always dies in the Sweet 16, kid. Those that find themselves as exception to that? Their programs become legendary.

How else do you explain Gonzaga staying a power? They took one more step. All you have to do is follow in their footsteps. And you will turn Davidson from something that is confused by fans of the well-coiffed host of the 1980’s version of Hollywood Squares into East Coast Gonzaga.

No one else is going to steal your thunder either. Western Kentucky may have a good backcourt, but Tyrone Brazelton and Courtney Lee can’t defend against Kevin Love. Villanova may have a couple of stars, but Bill Self has his team ready. That just leaves little old you.

It’s not as if Michael Flowers is a good defender or anything. It’s not as if the Badgers are going to have a chip on their shoulder by playing second fiddle to America’s Sweethearts. It’s going to be an easy walk to Kansas for the elite eight, son of a gunner.

Gus Johnson is salivating over the possibilities. America wants you to keep going. You can start your pro future as a modern day Tony Delk this fall if you keep this up.

All eyes on you. No Pressure. 

Love,

The Grand National Championships

I am entertained easily.

PARAPPA THE RAPPA!  IN HUMAN FORM!

If Oscar Voters love Medicinal Value in their best picture,

Then I need to make 8 hours of video games and cheesy artichoke dip into a movie.

More later, homeboys. NCAA tournament cheers and jeers to follow.

Siena-Vanderbilt (16 Minutes to Go)

Tim Brando makes me want to hurt him. Siena is up 10.

• Fran McCaffrey is a girly name for a coach for dudes.
• Kenny Hansbrouck gets the rebound! Yay!
• Offensive rebound obver to Hasbrouck and he scores! Yay! 50-38!
• Keegan Bell with the three! and a steal! 50-41! Yay!
• Brick by Bell!
• Keegan Bell gets another bucket off of a Ron Moore miss! 50-43!

Siena calls time out, as white momentum can be stalled.

Oklahoma’s up 9.
Oregon’s up 5.

• We’re back.
• Alex Gordon on break from the Royals gets the steal.
• Ron Moore gets a steal in return.
• Kenny Hansbrouck gets the hoop and harm! Sinks it. 53-43!
• Yay Mute March Madness On Demand! Yay!
• Kevin Stallings is going crazy!
• Hansbrouck gets the T! Two free throws! 55-43.
• Neltner gets the lay-in.
• Chocolate Rain makes it 58-45!
• Shan Foster keeps up his end. 58-47.

TV Timeout. And Elvi’s happy. OU’s Up 11.

• Kenny Hasbrouck is making a big lead.
• Vanderbilt’s D forces a Timeout.

I’m outpicking Obama! Hooray! Hooray!

• Savvy way to keep posession for Siena.
• TAY ZONDAY HITS ANOTHER THREE! 61-47!
• Good board for Keegan Bell.
• A.J. Ogilvy sinks a baby hook. 61-49.
• And Shan Foster gets himself into foul trouble.
• Hansbrouck sinks another two free throws. 63-49.
• A.J. Ogilvy sinks yet another baby hook, still 63-51.
• Ron Moore with a turnover.
• Brick city for Vandy.
• Kenny Hansbrouck sinks it 65-51.

And then, my friend, it’s a TV Timeout.

St. Joes down 6
Oregon down 1

• Seriously, Tim Brando’s in need of retirement.
• ALEX FRANKLIN SLAM JAM! 67-51!
• A.J. Ogilvy will not go gently. 67-53.
• Scre for Vandy. 67-55. Whee!
• Ron Moore to the line as Jaime Graham helps and harms.
• Foul on Ross Neltner.
• Shon Foster is back in it, and immeadiately gets the ball stolen.
• Alex Franklin sinks it. 69-55.
• Awesome.
• Another steal by Siena.
• And they go to the TV Timeout.

Oklahoma is likely to hang on. Elvi better get hyped.

The Ruins! Oh No! PG-13 mOVIE OF DOOMS!

Or is that the latest shitty Japanese remake?

• Vandy ball. They better chuck some threes tootsweet.
• Speak of the devil and the Devil shall cut it to 11!

Timeout yet again.

• Siena misses three opportunities.
• And George Drake can bring it back to single digits.
• Yep. 69-60.
• Nice harm by Andre Walker.
• Alex Franklin puts it back to 71-60 even if Kenny Hansbrouck gets hurt.
• Trapped a Vandy guard to his knees and Siena has it back to 13!
• Foul and a missed front end of the one and one and one.
• Two to make three. Well done.
• Keegan Bell turnover essentially makes it game. 75-60.
• Ubiles sinks the front end.
• Sinks them both. 77-60 with a minute to go.

Okay, tell me if Brando makes some Crayon pun, okay? I will ask for blood at that point.

I have to shovel.

Again. For the third time.

Fuck Wisconsin.