The Grand National Championships

March 25, 2008

The NL East Awesome Show, Great Job

You know what I love? Comedy that goes above and beyond. I don’t mind if the comedy misses. I love comedy that doesn’t take the same well worn road.

This is why I like the Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job. It is whimsically awesome. Indeed, it is the NL East.

However, since the sketches are not 25 man Saturday Night Live affairs, we will be discussing individual players. The rankings will be in order of standings, but this is about players and situationals.

 

5) Dimitri Young is CAROL

Because like Carol, Dimitri Young was able to get himself a poke on in Season 1 of his run on the Nationals. But heading into season two, quite simply, Da Meat Hook Blew it. Like a splash of coffee to the face, Dimitri Young has gained 40 pounds off of his 2007 weight. Now? The man is playing second fiddle to Nick Johnson’s Mr. Henderson. But like Carol, Dimitri will find his way into love before the end of the episode. 

 

4) Luis Gonzalez is Pierre

The Marlins needed to get themselves a veteran influence to teach them life lessons. Luis Gonzalez fills the role ably. He will be able to teach the kinds about dance, proper meat refrigeration, not to mention the relaxing influence of meditation. Because he is here? And now that Hanley Ramirez knows how to properly wear a gold lame jumpsuit? He will be your NL MVP.

mattygame.jpg 

3) Matt Diaz is James Quall

Like James Quall was plucked from Public Access to become a key player on Adult Swim, so too Matt Diaz for your Atlanta Braves. He did not get to stay for a full year in the big leagues until he was 28. And when he came along? Lefthanders got destroyed like they were Spaghetti and Meatballs, and righthanders did not have much better luck. Matt Diaz is a beach blast for the Braves.

2) Omar Minaya is The Score Settler

Wait, what? That doesn’t–

Yes, I went off the Tim and Eric draft board for the New York Mets, but bear with me. Last year, the New York Mets just didn’t have enough to maintain their claim on the NL East lead when the Phillies ambushed them…in the creek. But Omar Minaya kept digging, and he found gold…GOLD…GOLD!!! In the Minnesota Twins creek, getting Johan Santana for little more than 24 dollars and small pox infectend blankets.

Kevin Mulvey is a walking disease.

(Also, Jon Glaser is DJ Jesus on Lucy, The Daughter of the Devil, so shut up.)

 

1) Ryan Howard is Dr. Steve Brule

It takes a special kind of man to replace Jim Thome. It takes a special kind of man to be so good that you can overshadow an MVP Award Winner without stealing his thunder. It takes a special kind of man to share the name of a character on an awesome sitcom and have no one confuse them. Ryan Howard is that sort of awesome. He will lead the Phillies to the promised land.

He will lead them to the promised land…FOR YOUR HEALTH!

YAY?

YAY!

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