Ever since I have grown a beard that is the envy of every 8th grade boy, my sixth sense or as I call it,”The Grizzly Adams Connection” has become heightened. This has really helped me scour the sports world for the greatest beards in the land. After looking for the best bearded sports stars I have come up with a top 3.
Elvi Patterson’s Bearded Brothers!
If you don’t like Ozzie Smith then there is something seriously wrong with you. Besides the back flips and being the typical american tourist; Ozzie is what made baseball legendary in the 1980′s and early 90′s. Even for a non cardials fan like myself, Ozzie Smith was the only reason to go to Bush Stadium (besides the fact that you just toured the St. Louis Arch and found their elevators too eeriely like toilet seats.)
Few people know this but Ozzie Smith was fueled not by ampethamine’s or steroids. Nay, The Wizard Of Oz was fueled by Beard Power. The coarse facial hair that lived on the face of Ozzie Smith gave him the ability to do backflips and become animated on cue. Also, the beard was manly, yet handsome. It was so handsome that even now Walt “Clyde” Frasier would never say to Ozzie,”NO PLAY FOR MR. GRAY!”
Sadly, Ozzie Smith hasn’t been seen since visiting Springfield’s “Spot Of Mystery“.
First off, the power of the beard is strong in this jedi. It defeated Dirk and the Mavericks. Plus, when you look at the photo you know that Baron Davis is indeed Miami Vicetastic! He is the epitome of Glenn Frey’s “The Heat Is On!” only you must change the words to “The Beard Is On” or to put in simplistic terms The B Is O! The only way Baron Davis could be cooler is if he did a book tour where all he did was read Berenstain Bears books!
Let’s make Baron Davis the Spokesman for BOOK-IT!
JOHN GRIZZLY! (OVER THE TOP!)
John Grizzly is the best part about the greatest movie ever! About ARM WRESTLING! OVER THE TOP! John Grizzly proves to the average man that by growing a manly man’s beard you can ingest oil and gain robot powers! I mean, how can a manly bearded man drink oil? The answer is simple; The BEARD! By having a beard you have the ability to get into your enemies’ heads! A beard will give you an intense appearance that will be reinforced by the fact that you can swallow lit cigars! There is nothing more metal than being Arm Wrestling’s Ted Kaczynski!
NO RETREAT! NO SURRENDER!
Love the beard you’re in,