Defense wins championships. Can it also win PUPPY BOWLS?

Now my tag team partner Mister Patterson has broken down the offense, I will give you the key to the puppy bowl. I will give you the Defense.

It is meat. It is the kibble. It is the chew toy.

It is the most important breakdown of all time. And by important I do mean adorable.

 
Finnigan Breed: Cavalier King Charles Spaniel / Bichon Frise Mix (aka Cavachon) (PR/KR)
A dog without a true position. Finnigan is pure speed. He has the moves and the wheels to break away from the pack for multiple touchdowns. We just might be looking at a Devin Hester-styled MVP run for Finnegan. But at the very least, there will be lots of pups in Finnigan’s wake. 

 
Jack Breed: Labrador Mix (DE)
Jack Fact: This Jack likes it when you scratch his belly. Also, he refuses to be faked out. He sees a puppy with the ball, he will take him out, no matter if the puppy releases it. Dumb but lovable, much like a TGIF Sitcom. 

 
Jack Breed: Mini Dachshund (DT)
Jack Fact: Wishes to find a home with a large field and has the eyes of a depressed housewife. These eyes lead to excellent reactions and heroic tackles. Jack is the puppy that makes Scuba the superstar. Also, he will cut you wide open!

 
Jackson Breed: West Highland Terrier (CB)
Useless in run support. But if there’s a ball thrown his way? He will close faster than a Japanese Salaryman in need of tension release. And look at that face. He is truly the most adorable cornerback since the immortal Dick “Night Train” Lane. When you look into Jackson’s eyes, you finally understand the beauty of ”The Notebook.”

 
Janet Breed: Bull Terrier Mix (NT)
We all know that Janet’s grandfather carried Bob Golic’s washed up butt in Superdogs:Superjocks. But few know that Janet’s mother had a scene and a line in Saved by the Bell: The New Class. The magic of mulleted Golic is strong, and we shall all bear witness on Puppy Bowl Sunday.

 
Kodiak Breed: Rottweiler / Lab Mix (DE/OLB)
Kodiak plays the hybrid Rob in this defense. He is at once built for speed and power. Kodiak has all the tools. Athleticism, Adorability, Toughness. Kodiak has the on-field skills of Lawrence Taylor and the off-field style of LT in the Waterboy. Bingo is having fitful dreams of Kodiak and his pigeon friend chasing him down and going Puppy Theisman!

 
Kira Breed: Chow Chow Mix (CB)
You would think a tiny face and ease of panting would be a hinderance. You would be wrong. Kira is the press corner that’s not afraid to stick her cute button nose in against a runner. And she will make them bite the rawhide.

 
Maiisey Breed: Australian Toy Shepherd (SS)
Maiisey is a force to be reckoned with on deep balls. A tad undersized, she makes up for it with her remarkable tracking skills and fireceness in seperating the ball from the receiver. Not as adorable as some of her backfield counterparts. But Puppy Bowl’s are not won without help from Maiisey and as the dude who hangs out all day at 7-11 would say? “She’ll chew the crotch out of a rag doll.”

 
Rascal Breed: Border Collie Mix (FS)
A herding dog, Rascal is the perfect dog to roam the defensive backfield. Faster than a people mover, Rascal is great at making the other dogs her footsteps. Like his hero Ed Reed, Rascal knows that true swagger comes from never staring directly at the camera. Fear the Rascal!

 
Raven Breed: Beagle / Mini Pinscher Mix (DE)
You do not want to have to stare down this one when he can pin his ears back and rush the quarterback. This dog will hunt. Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. As adorable as Charles Haley on a coke binge. Raven could easily bumrush the MVP of Puppy Bowl IV. 

 
Scuba Breed: Unknown — Mixed Breeds (MLB)
Scuba is the Rocky Balboa of this event. He grew up on the mean streets of Washington D.C. not knowing exactly what he is. What he is is all heart. He is the story that would be beaten into the ground if he were human. He’s not a Cockapoo. He’s not a Cavachon. He’s not even a Morkie. He’s a mutt. A mutt that made it to the Puppy Bowl on nothing but guts and dry nuggets of dog food. No HGH for Scuba. Jerome Bettis could not have grown up in any more adverse circumstances.

 
Tucker Breed: Maltese / Yorkshire Terrier Mix (aka Morkie) (OLB)
Morkie’s always chase. From sideline to sideline, and goalpost to goalpost. You can never let up on a Morkie. They will find and cause trouble. You need to catch them in the act. Just like my third wife, am I right?

And on that Catskills joke, I think we must make our leave.

I know it seems shocking to some that Sportish type bloggers are going to be leaving this “Super Bowl” for the Puppy Bowl onslaught. But after reading this. You should know.

You should know.