WONKY COMEDY DEATH RACE FOR AN EARLY ENTRANCE FOR MEL KIPERS RADAR SCREEN!

So, point of fact, I’m a draft nerd. I love draft day. I would marry it if Tony Dungy would dare speak its name.

But since he’s in no mood, I can only cast furtive glances at the draft. For example? I must break down the early entry candidates (and some best guesses). I must break them down several times. 

I have aped this list from College Football Talk. They deserve all the credit for making me copy and paste from them.

PLAYERS WHO WILL ENTER THE 2008 NFL DRAFT:

Branden Albert, G, Virginia [story]: The fact that he spells it Branden is only indicative of the fact that the man has issues with power and drive blocking.

Adrian Arrington, WR, Michigan [story]: One half of the most aliterative Wide Receiver tandem in Michigan history. Also, has the name of an Heiress.

James Banks, WR, Carson-Newman [story]: If you are at the Dollar Tree looking for a Randy Moss? This is the man you will find available.

Earl Bennett, WR, Vanderbilt [story]: Found the movie Shoot ‘em Up to be a high-octane thrill ride. As polished in route-running as his scouting reports contradict his top-end speed.

Martellus Bennett, TE, Texas A&M [story]: Do not sleep on Martellus Bennett. He may be more upside then polish at present, but the fact is that it’s not his fact. I have the newsletter to prove it.

Davone Bess, WR, Hawaii [story]: A Greg Jennings type. He did stem from a system, but his skills will translate into something decent.

Calais Campbell, DE, Miami [story]: A lanky tiny giant (6’8″; 280). Every draft magazine is going to drop a comparison to the Panthers Julius Peppers.

Jamaal Charles, RB, Texas [story]: A threat to score every time he touches the ball. Remarkably, the man is ice cold with the ladies and first round draft grades.

Ryan Clady, LT, Boise State [story]: Sure, he is a mighty offensive lineman. But his last name sounds like what Jerry Lewis mutters in his sleep. You don’t want that.

Anthony Collins, LT, Kansas [story]: A philosopher-left tackle who firmly believes that there is only one way for the world to be. Unfortunately, this Necessitarianism may be at cross purposes with NFL Scouts.

James Davis, RB, Clemson [story]: Wary of an emerging C.J. Spiller? A very good home run threat, but he was also inconsistent like an episode of Psych. He is very likely lost in the shuffle.

Johnny Dingle, DE, West Virginia [story]: Needs to find his way onto a team with Bertrand Berry. Tradition dictates it!

Franklin Dunbar, OT, Middle Tennessee [story]: The raw skills are there. But the sociological implications of this move are countless and too numerous to discuss in the space of two to three sentences. See him in Day 2.

Jermichael Finley, TE, Texas [story]: The only reason he’s leaving early is because he has a need to rut. But he can catch the rock like a pro. Still, he is quite the tweener.

Brandon Flowers, CB, Virginia Tech [story]: As egotistical as namesake lead singer of The Killers. But somebody told me that he had a great cover game.

Ryan Grice-Mullen, WR, Hawaii [story]: June Jones in Texas means Mister Grice Mullen is in the gray areas of Day 2. Say hello to threats of being in sub-packages and five yard slants. 

Letroy Guion, DT, Florida State [story]: He has shown flashes of greatness. But Darnell Dockett he is not. Needs: 20 more pounds, .2 off of his 40-time, and not to get suspended for the Music City Bowl.

James Hardy, WR, Indiana [story]: Cares not for your worries about seperation. He is a grown ass man and deadly from 18 feet. He’s 6’6″ and can jump. What more do you need inside the 20?

Derrick Harvey, DE, Florida [story]: Some would say that he will be the highest underclassman defender off the board, I’m inclined to agree.

Geno Hayes, LB, Florida State [story]: Florida State may be down, but they build solid undersized linebackers for great pro justice. Hayes is just next in line.

Erin Henderson, LB, Maryland [story]: He is not his brother. He has wheels of steel. He will not be a bust.

QUITE FRANKLY, HE WILL BE THE GREATEST MIDDLE LINEBACKER SINCE SLAVA MED-VED-EN-KO!

Jack Ikegwuonu, CB, Wisconsin [story]: Can sincerely go fuck himself. Will not enjoy being drafted in the third round.

Cornelius Ingram, TE, Florida: He’s going to be one of those guys drafted toward the end of day 2 because he does not have a position. He became the second option for the Tebow, but somewhere else, he will not have Jorts for Justice tossing him the rock.

Malcolm Kelly, WR, Oklahoma [story]: The man has hands of glue. He made Sam Bradford something good. Some say he disappears, but OU had three legitimately good running backs and this Iglesias character could catch the bean well…as well. He looks like a Braylon Edwards type.

Rashard Mendenhall, RB, Illinois [story]: Had nothing left to prove his awesomeness in college. A firmly entrenched first rounder.

Mario Manningham, WR, Michigan [story]: The polished half of the most alliterative wide receiver duo in Michigan history. Also, he has the name of the rich kid in an 80′s teen comedy.

Jerod Mayo, LB, Tennessee [story]: An active, sideline-to-sideline force. Averaged 13 tackles in his final 4 games. He can only work his way out of Day 1.

Alphonso Moran, DT, Kansas State: The worst declaration of draft eligibilty. Did not play in 2007. Was not great in 2005-06. If he is drafted I will be stunned. STUNNED!*
*Barring a spectacular set of workouts. 

DaJuan Morgan, S, North Carolina State [story]: Quite the disruptive force over the middle. Sure, he’s not Kenny Phillips, but the man is ready to make himself into a great pro. He could find a way to get into Day 1.

Lamar Myles, LB, Louisville [story]: He does not have the university bonafides to be leaving early. Louisville’s defense was awful at stopping people. Also? He’s linebacker tiny.

Kenny Phillips, S, Miami [story]: Miami is a pro football factory for great safeties. Kenny Phillips is just next in line.

Chilo Rachal, G, USC [story]: I cannot crack wise about a man going professional to support his mom who was diagnosed with a stomach tumor. Otherwise, he’s a decent Day 2 prospect.

Bobby Reid, QB, Oklahoma State [story]: Loves Chicken McNuggets and 40 Year Old Men who sound vaguely like Will Ferrell when they are upset.

Darius Reynaud, WR, West Virginia [story]: Shifty, with good return skills. He is a man for whom these next few months could put him into round 2 or out of the draft entirely. Like KRS-One of Boogie Down productions, Reynaud must come correct.

Ray Rice, RB, Rutgers [story]: He is a tiny man (5’9″ 197) who had a lot of carries in three years for the Scarlet Knights. He will probably be drafted in the Brian Calhoun Memorial third round pick #74. (Or not: The Broncos have this pick.)

Orlando Scandrick, CB, Boise State [story]: He’s underrated based upon his WAC Competition. But he is still raw in terms of workout and competiton. As of now? He’s just a name to watch. 

Pat Sims, DT, Auburn [story]: He is this years Justin Harrell, only healthy. A run-stuffer with immense potential and limited experience. (Note to Ted Thompson, please do not draft him in the first round.)

Kevin Smith, RB, Central Florida [story]: Alternate universe Chris Berman is praying he winds up in the same backfield as Jay Cutler.

Taj Smith, WR, Syracuse [story]: He will be starring in National Lampoons Van Wilder 3: The Rise of Taj 2: The Kick Returnening. (a.k.a. NLVW3TROT2TKR).

Aqib Talib, CB, Kansas [story]: One word. Ballhawk. Seven more words. Aqib Talib is an awesome Rap Name. But can this MC flip the hips in coverage?

Devin Thomas, WR, Michigan State [story]: Your breakout deep threat in the Big 10. Ironically, if you look deep enough into him, he turns out to have blazing speed without being a deep threat and great route-running while rounding off his routes. Consensus? Raw, but he’s got the goods. SHOCKER!

Mario Urrutia, WR, Louisville [story]: In high school, he was voted most likely to be comapred to Marques Colston. And he was a Sophmore at the Ville when Colston burst on the scene!

PLAYERS EXPECTED TO DECLARE FOR THE 2008 NFL DRAFT:

Antoine Caldwell, C, Alabama [story]: The greatest disaster in American History for Nick Saban is losing this Day 1 Center Prospect. He is that important for their chances at .500.

Vernon Gholston, DE, Ohio State: A skinny Aaron Kampman. Good power, wheels and motor. Though he would be almost better served as a 3-4 linebacker?

Courtney Greene, S, Rutgers [story]: Courtney Maxwell Greene returned to WHO-TV Channel 13 News in 2004 to co-anchor the station’s popular long-running weekend morning newscast, Today in Iowa Saturday . Courtney is a Des Moines native and active in the community. She graduated from Des Moines’ East High School and the University of Iowa with a Journalism degree. And if he ever reads this, I ask him to remember that this was in humor and your sideline to sideline run-stuffing skill is no answer for my smartassery. 

DeSean Jackson, WR, Cal: He is like Quicksilver in the open field. But if he goes, he needs a sexy 40 time. Because he is right royally screwed if he runs a 4.5 on Pro Day.

Tyson Jackson, DE, LSU: He has the game of Marquise Hill. (Keep the jokes about watersports to yourseleves, please.) 

Felix Jones, RB, Arkansas: If he exits, he will be the biggest bargain of this draft. Even if he’s drafted Mid-Round 1.

James Laurinaitis, LB, Ohio State: A surefire 1st-rounder, it’s only a matter of this year or next.

Curtis Lofton, LB, Oklahoma [story]: Bob Stoops linebackers are big, fast, and have all the instincts of a box of rocks. Curtis Lofton is next in line.

Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas: The greatest college Running Back since Reggie Bush. Unfortunately for Dolphins fans, he has his degree in Thuganomics. Though in fairness, the bouncer did not know who he was.

Phillip Merling, DE, Clemson [story]: Filled Gaines Adams shoes with a simlar style and aplomb.

Fili Moala, DT, USC: If he goes? He will be regarded as nothing more than a generic Wal-Mart Haloti Nagata.  

Jonathan Stewart, RB, Oregon: Really wants to be called The Green Lantern due to his superheroics running the ball. If you do not get it, congratulations on having a life!

See. This is catnip. Now I know who I want the Packers to draft in the First Round. Now I know who would bring derisive fits of laughter in the Volunteer State.

These are the things that I do for you. An 1800 word essay on the early entrants.

You are welcome.