The Straight to Video Sequel to my Free Darko Homage

Yesterday was a minor big-day in Major League Baseball. Yes, Bob Ley is getting a chubby for the Mitchell Report, (As am I, I want Melvin Mora and Brian Roberts to go down!), but yesterday is the day when a new crop of Free Agents comes down the pipe. Now sure, your Roberto Novoa or Nick Gourneault may not inspire the same sort of confidence vis-a-vis Alex Rodriguez or Torii Hunter, but talent is talent, and the Red Sox signed a lightly regarded Minnesota Twin who was non-tendered. That man?

Dan Gladden.

Okay, it was Big Papi. But you see my point? Skills can slip through the cracks in a lot of ways for Major League Baseball. Some poor schmoe who gets non-tendered will be playing a major role for somebody down the line.

Free Agent List Courtesy of MLB.com 

American League 

Angels
Dallas McPherson, 3B: Your leading candidate for bitter asshole gym teacher in 2015.

A’s
Kiko Calero, RHP: Free talent to the middle relief mountaintop to free talent in the span of six years.
Jose Garcia, RHP: He’s Dominican Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords.

Blue Jays
Josh Towers, RHP: His career went down like Tower Two! Too soon! Too soon!

Mariners
John Parrish, LHP: The Lance Parrish of Lefty One-Out Guys.

Orioles
Cory Doyne, RHP: Flaky. Can dial it up to 98. Reminds me of that guy who misspelled Doyenne.
Roberto Novoa, RHP: A dollar tree Fransisco Cruceta.

Rangers
Nick Gorneault, OF: A less awesome Reggie Willits.
Akinori Otsuka, RHP: Adorable!

Red Sox
Brendan Donnelly, RHP: In another universe. Brendan Donnelly is the ass keeping the PG-13 Guy we are all rooting for from getting the girl. He is still more successful than this one.

Royals
Emil Brown, OF: The first sign of old age is an inablity to hit lefthanders. Emil Brown is that old.

Tigers
Chad Durbin, RHP: Voted most likely to be Victor Santos by milb.com. 

Twins
Jason Tyner, OF: If he was named Vince Coleman Jr.? He would have had a career.  

White Sox
Andy Gonzalez, INF: Latin Jazz Impresario. Career OPS below 600.
Heath Phillips, LHP: He will be designated as one of those Ken Phelps All-Stars. 

Yankees
T.J. Beam, RHP: First Name is indeed Tractor.
Matt DeSalvo, RHP: The Boston Strangler of Triple-A middle relievers.
Darrell Rasner, RHP: The Colter Bean of Triple-A Middle relievers.
Bronson Sardinha, OF: Hawaii is VERY upset with Andy Pettite right now.

National League

Astros
Adam Everett, SS: A Twin. Sooze from Bases Love Baseball trembles at his .600 OPS. 

Braves
Willie Harris, OF: If he was born 15 years earlier, he could have been bigger than Luis Polonia. 

Brewers
Kevin Mench, OF: Rabbi Mark Shalowitz’s favorite lefty masher with a giant head.
Matt Wise, RHP: Kyle Farnsworth with 11 MPH off the fastball, no temper, and awesome facial hair.

Cardinals
Aaron Miles, 2B: Knows where you can find the SNL sketch Hulk Hogan Talk Show. I hate him.

Cubs
Mark Prior, RHP: Will realize that Chris Berman could have called him Mark Prior”Y of Sion.” That it has not happened will make him smile.

Dodgers
Mark Hendrickson, LHP: Would be ballin’ in Spain with Kammron Taylor if he threw righthanded.

D’YOWW!!!

Giants
Scott Munter, RHP: The Filthy Sanchez of Triple-A Middle Relief. 

Marlins
Miguel Olivo, C: Another broken catcher on the last chance powerdrive.

Mets
Johnny Estrada, C: The best catcher available. Still better than Kendall.
Ben Johnson, OF: In an upset, not on the Mitchell Report.
Juan Padilla, RHP: The American Taliban of Triple A Middle Relievers.

Nationals
Nook Logan, OF: Tony Gywnn Jr. with a crooked hat and a need to juice. 
Mike O’Connor, LHP: The Irish Lefty One Out Guy of Triple-A Relief Pitching.

Padres
Jack Cassel, RHP: A&E has found their replacement for Dog the Bounty Hunter! Rest easy!
Morgan Ensberg, INF: Currently plotting ways to download government secrets into Chuck McElroy’s brain.
Ryan Ketchner, LHP: Deaf. Also Def, Dope and Fresh. Boys with Curtis Pride.
Jason Lane, OF: The Padres will never forget his week of production.

Pirates
Brad Eldred, 1B: 16 Fat Babies of power.
Brian Rogers, RHP: Or as the Spaniards call him? El Generico! 

Reds
Jerry Gil, SS: Don Swayze to Benji Gil’s Patrick. 
Brad Salmon, RHP: A one-pitch pitcher. The personification of the dude who plays fighting games with only the triangle. 

Rockies
Sean Barker, OF: Nick Gourneault without the ability to have a kick-ass drink named after him.
Darren Clarke, RHP: The only man that can get you out of a pot-bunker at St. Andrews.