The Milwaukee Brewers: Where Dreams Come True.

Now, yes. I know it’s a small market team. Yes. I know I shouldn’t be all ZOMG LET’S GET JOHAN! And I am not.

But look at what my favorite team is doing through free agency. There are four names of interest. I will look at them presently.

YORVIT TORREALBA: This 29 year old struck while the iron was hot in Denver, using the struggles of Chris Ianetta to post career highs of .255/8/47 for your Jesus-approved Colorado Rockies. Now he has earned a rep as a good defensive catcher. However, after shoulder issues in 2006, he’s thrown out a career low 19.7% runners attempting to steal last season.

An offer from the Mets fell through. Three years, 14.4 million dollars. Shea Nation says he was all ready to take that physical. Past shoulder problems and an unwillingness to take a physical?

Well, fiddle dee dee, I wonder if Yorvit is not hiding something?

JASON KENDALL: Once upon a time, Jason Kendall was a golden god. By the age of 26, Kendall was a three-time all star and on the path toward the Hall of Fame. Cut to Kendall at 33, and you see a man who takes things off the table. What little power he had is dead and gone. He’s dropped to a threat to steal 8 bases or so. Sure, he’ll take a walk, but the man has to hit around .320 for it to mean something.

Admittedly, an offensive line of .275/.360/.350 would be worth your time if he brought defensive skill to the table. But if Elvi could be bothered to show up after the disaster in Lubbock, he would vouch that Kendall can’t defend.

And why this time of year can make rational people crazy? Jason Kendall’s last three years of awesome? He was paid an average just north of 11.6 million for them.

PEDRO FELIZ: There’s a special place in the heart of the Brewers fan for the guy who commits to the three true outcomes. Rob Deer sucks in a world of logic and science, but in the hearts of Wisconsin children of the 80’s he was as magical as Pete Incaviglia was to a young Ranger fan. Russell Branyan, for his brief stay as a Brewer brought a bit of that old style magic to some bad teams at the early-middle part of the decade.

Pedro Feliz is not that ball of fun. Pedro Feliz will not take a walk to save his life. Sure, his defense is good. Sure, if you’re useless enough to have to give him 500 AB he’ll Wes Helms out 20 home runs. But the fact of the matter is, he brings about as much to the table as Russell Branyan, without the 500 foot tater shots.

His defense on the other hand? Top notch. So there’s that.

TADAHITO IGHUCHI: I cannot hate on Tadahito. He’s one of those guys who does a little bit of everything. A little power, a little speed, decent defense, and he will take a walk. If he takes second base, Weeks goes to center and Billy Hall goes marketable. Baseball Reference compares him to Junior Spivey, however. That right there makes me a little leery. Junior Spivey went from great to gone in four years. 

Yeah, year one of the deal would be Iguchi’s fourth. Why do you ask?

I understand that this is Melvin’s MO. I do. He likes depth. But the issue is he is taking a potentially good team and adding bad players to it. I do not want Yorvit Torrealba. I do not want Jason Kendall.  

If writing damn near 600 words has anything to say about it, I want this not to happen very badly. STAND PAT!

STAND PAT!