All You Need to Know.

Everybody’s going to over-analyze the big news of yesterday or hype up next week to the point where you want to punch a puppy. Not here. At the Grand National Championships, if we cannot do it in ten words or less, we will let you do the work. We like your moxie.

Anyway. Here’s what happened yesterday.

New England 52, Washington 7
Indianapolis 31, Carolina 7

• ESPN’s at full erctile functionality! Bellichick does rhyme with dick.

Detroit 16, Chicago 7

• Jon Kitna better not start with the trademarking. Jesus hates that.

Pittsburgh 24, Cincinnati 13

• A black coach is about to lose job. NOIS silent.

NY Giants 13, Miami 10

• London rain made this game torture. Eli Manning Nose Dive?

Philadelphia 23, Minnesota 16

• And the Donovan McNabb season ending injury watch starts…now.

Cleveland 27, St. Louis 20

• Steven Jackson hurt again, Marc Bulger wishes he was dead.

Tennessee 13, Oakland 9

• Merril Hoge has Vince Youngs family in grave danger.

Buffalo 13, New York Jets 3

• Chad Pennington makes the suck again. Losman to Evans reborn?

 San Diego 35, Houston 10

• Pam Ward- “San Diego came out on fire today!”

Jacksonville 24, Tampa Bay 23

• Ike Hilliard is now hated by people not named me.

New Orleans 31, San Fransisco 10

• Drew Brees and Marques Colston party like it’s 2006.

Alex Rodriguez opts out of his contract

• If Mike Lowell was secure in his manhood, he’d french ARod.

I’m serious too. ARod’s series usurping announcement just made Mike Lowell over Ten Million Dollars. I don’t think there are many people who would delve into homoerotica if they were getting eight figures more than their previous total.

I may delve deeper into Mike Lowell being richer than Astronauts later, but I will do something on the city of Boston and their beloved sports teams making the rest of the USA wish them banhammered.