NCAA Week 3 Rankings.

There were shake-ups from the Week 2 Rankings. Glass Joe had some fight. Von Kaiser not so much. Also, Ohio State? They are the new Piston Honda.

But for week 3. It’s a new dawn. A new day. And we are going for a new ranking system. Damn the law of diminishing returns, it’s Super Mario Brothers Three (Mostly). Power ups and all.

First off?

The Notre Dame Fighting Irish are DEAD MARIO

The last life is gone. The game over music has played. You can’t continue. It’s the time that tries mens souls. It’s time for the Irish to hit restart.

The talk becomes not a question of how many that they will win, but if they will win. In year three, Tyrone Willingham ran a mediocre Notre Dame show. He got fired. Notre Dame may not win until November. Is it time to say goodnight Weis Baby?

Auburn Tigers are NORMAL MARIO

The Auburn Tigers are not where you want to be. They are like Mario at a later level after he’s been hit twice. The leaf is gone. The mushroom is gone. You’re stuck in a level that requires sharp memory and high dexterity. If you are Howard, Nester, or Brandon Cox you may as well cut the cord and play some Double Dribble.

Rutgers Scarlet Knights are MUSHROOM MARIO

You’re better off than you were before. You can handle a challenge or two. You’re not upper echelon yet, but if you’re facing a Goomba or Norfolk State? That doesn’t matter. But you’re going to have to be better if you’re facing something like a Hammer Brother or West Virginia. Ray Rice is powered up, but he best be finding a fire flower or some shit like that.

Kentucky Wildcats are FIRE MARIO

Both are above average at this point in the season. Also? Whatever hot fire Andre Woodson spits that makes contact with a Kentucy wideout turns into a gold coin. It’s science fact. He collects when he leaves their Big Blue.

California Golden Bears are RACCOON MARIO

Both are high-flying in their offensive gifts. Both are excellent at what they do. However, like Racoon Mario is merely an above average power-up, there are better teams than the Cal Golden Bears. But for what they are? Few teams are better.

Texas Longhorns are FROG MARIO

You get yourself a power-up as rare as the Frog Mario and at first, it’s like sweet. And you think to yourself, this is gonna lead to big things. But then? You struggle against two mid-majors, and the big fish eats Limas Sweed’s ankle, and you’re about to lose everything. Mack Brown wishes he could just move on to giant world.

Oregon Ducks are STAR MARIO

Like Star Mario, Dennis Dixon has proven to be a juggernaut in short bursts, leading the Ducks to big wins in recent weeks. It’s a temporary high, but right now Dixon’s running and jumping, and he’s just tearing shit up. The Koopas and their Troopas are quaking in fear. Quaking. In. Fear.

West Virginia Mountaineers are JUGEM’S CLOUD

They don’t give a fuck about ECU. The big game is next week. South Florida is a billion dollar challenege compared to East Carolina. Just one jugem’s cloud and it’s White! Groethe! It’s Big East Football with shitty announcers!

Florida Gators are the 1-UP

It’s self-explanatory, really. Tim Tebow has gtiven the Gators an extra life as National Championship Contenders. Not the most creative? Yeah. I know. But it’s simplicity is beautiful, you jerk!

Oklahoma Sooners are the WARP WHISTLE

They are in the middle of being swept inexorably to the Red River Shootout. If they can beat Texas? They will go to World 7. The Pipe World of the outside looking in. They need somebody else to fall before they can storm the castle. But Sam Bradford’s kind of awesome.

USC Trojans are the P-Wing

Right now, they are flying head and shoulders above everybody else in the college football. They will be the #1 team and avoid the mishagoes of the screen altogether. John David Booty won’t be near as good if he’s just a racoon. Racoon Booty is lame, dude. Sorry.

LSU Tigers are KURIBO’S SHOE

Kuribo’s Shoe is the baddest ass power-up ever. You can jump on the spiny’s. You can walk on pirhana’s. You can shut out a team that can put up 40 on Louisville. Put it this way, you play LSU and they will make you eat it. They will make you their bitch.

Put it this way. They’re #1 until they lose. And October 6th will have the classic matchup of 1-up Mushroom vs. Kuribo’s Shoe.

The shoe is the cutest thing ever!

Ever!