Really. They broadcasted a Northwoods League Baseball Game. Don’t know what the Northwoods League is? Think the Cape Cod League without pretension or a shitty Freddy Prinze Jr. movie against it.
But I worked an overnight shift last night, and when you do that, you find yourself in a quandary. You either have shitty morning zoo crews, or Mike and Mike. I usually take Mike and Mike.
It’s usually one of ESPN’s less difficult pills to swallow. Today? Not so much. I will break it down, segment by segment.
Segment 1: The Spurs win! They’re still Ugly and Dull!
Now as we all know, the Spurs are making a charge for Team of the Decade status in the NBA. (It can’t be a dynasty if there’s already a dynasty during the run). So the Mikes discuss how they aren’t interesting. They aren’t fun to watch. They are just kind of good.
On the surface? Seemingly innocuous. But, as I’ve mentioned before, this will lead to them going off about why the ratings are bad. And that right there makes me want to hurt Bristol in the eye.
Segment 2: The Mikes Gretchen Weiners Impersonation.
The Mikes seem to have taken it upon themselves to take filthy out of Baseballs vernacular. Their word? Redonkulous. And they made sure to repeat it ten times in an effort to force it into America’s subconcious.
Stop trying to make this happen. It’s not going to happen. I know Greenberg’s seen Mean Girls before. He knows some hot young upstart’s going to come around and try to knock him off his throne. Forcing slang’s only going to make the fall more satisfying, Mike.
Hot, young, upstart anyone?
Segment 3: THE YANKEES ARE SEVEN AND A HALF BACK!!!
This one hit the triple play of alienation. Boston! New York! Hyperbole! I will not begrudge the Yankees have had a hot run, whilst the Red Sox have seemed to normalize from their start. But comparing this to 1978? Really?
There wasn’t four months to go in the goddamn season when the Yankees made their supercharge in 1978! They were 14 out in August! We’re barely midway through June, and being seven and a half games out is equal to Bucky bleepin’ Dent?
You’re supposed to be better than that!
After that, I kind of had to turn to the cancer stick addled, self-congratulatory humor of Bob and Tom. I already had my fill of jokes for the day.
Morning radio would keep me five by five in that department.