In general, I am a deep casual fan of the NBA. I can name at least three guys on every team, but I can’t get madly into the league. At least, until playoff times. That’s when the Conspiracy theorist comes out to play. Big stars and Big Markets always win out in David Stern’s NBA. And in the weirder moments, I write down the conversations both sides are having. Cavs-Pistons follows thusly…
Casual Fan: Cav’s sure took it home, huh?
Conspiracy Theorist: I knew it all along.
CF: Come on…
CT: Dude, it was on a rail after Stern screwed the Suns! He needed a storyline.
CF: Stern needed–
(The Conspiracy Theorist exhales.)
CT: I didn’t stutter.
CF: Sorry.
CT: The Cavs had like 50 free throw attempts in Game 6.
CF: They attacked the basket!
CT: Stern attacked the refs!
CF: Right…
CT: Don’t mock me.
CF: You know they couldn’t get a call in the first two–
CT: Road games.
CF: …yeah. What about that?
CT: Dramatic tension.
CF: Hah!
CT: Seriously…
CF: But shouldn’t the lowest point have been at the end of Game 4? I mean, that’s where the Suns got “screwed.”
CT: Ha ha, Brian Michael Bendis, that’s not what I meant.
CF: I’m afraid to ask…
CT: It was for the LeBron James story.
(5 second pause.)
CF: Yeah?
CT: Act 1? Rebuilding. The team was awful. Act 2? Stardom. This leads to the inevitable irrational media backlash. The hint was those first two games.
CF: Wake me when you see that he was licking as stamp on the First 60 Regular season games.
CT: Dude!
CF: Okay, 0kay, fine. Daniel Gibson.
CT: One shining moment.
CF: Games 4 and 6?
CT: Ask again at the New Years Eve Party,
CF: Whatever…
CT: He’s not going to be big.
CF: Dad knew where he went to school.
CT: Low blow.
CF: You’re being sagacious.
CT: No, you’re being sagacious.
CF: We’re getting off track.
CT: Good. That’s the plan.
CF: That’s the plan…what?
CT: Game 5. I still can’t explain it. 25 straight? 29 of the last 30? Stern can’t pull that off!
CF: Bow down to the God King James?
CT: Lemmy’s still God.
CF: LeBron is Lemmy?
CT: Nice.
CF: Let me guess…Cav’s in the finals?
CT: Bigger star, larger market.
CF: Excuse me?
CT: Yes.
(Awkward Pause.)
CT: Pretty Girls Doin’ Stuff?
CF: Pretty girls doin’ stuff.
FIN
