Because get this, outside of Oakland not taking a lineman to help with that whole 5 sacks a game problem that they had last year, and Cleveland dumbly taking the Notre Dame QB, nothing would be completely indefensible.
1) Oakland JaMarcus Russell QB-LSU
And even here, though I said the Raiders biggest problem is on the Offensive Line, a Joe Staley or Ryan Kalil could slip out of Round 1. And as John Madden once said, when you have Aaron Brooks as your starting quarterback, you kinda suck. And even with the inherent risk, JaMarcus does have one of those upsides that could go to a pre-Madden Culpepper or McNabb level.
2) Detroit Calvin Johnson WR-Georgia Tech
You may laugh at the delicious irony of the Lions drafting a receiver. But Calvin Johnson’s talent level is so high, he could heal the lame and make the blind see just on a slant pattern alone. He is the Bill Brasky of this draft. After being drafted, he will crush a parked car and make it say Calvin Johnson.
And Mike Furrey is still the Lions #2 Receiver. So, yeah, best player available that fits a need. Suck it, Lions fan.
3) Cleveland Brady Quinn QB-Norte Dame
He is not the quarterback you are looking for. He is a gayer version of Kerry Collins. His arm fires deep rockets, but you hit him once, and all he’ll want to do is go clubbing with Alex Rodriguez. In fairness, Cleveland does have a decent line, but the staph infections have knocked down the last two big free agent signings.
4) Tampa Bay Gaines Adams DE-Clemson
Freakish athleticism with a great motor. He singlehandedly led Clemson to beat Wake Forest last season. He is raw and kind of skinny, but for a team with a defense best described as elderly, Adams is a nice spot of elixir.
5) Arizona Joe Thomas T-Wisconsin
The O-Line was a joke last year. A nightmarish Carlos Mencia bug-eyed stereotype joke that he stole to get three seasons of low quality television joke. The agile and mobile Joe Thomas should be a perfect fit to rectify that.
6) Washington Amobi Okoye DT-Louisville
Hey, did you hear he’s 20? No? Well, he is. So he could be a monster in a couple of years. And the Redskins do need a defensive lineman to assist a team that could not stop the run. Also, Alan Branch is a pussy with broken legs. Nigeria #1? Yes!
7) Minnesota Jamaal Anderson DE-Arkansas
Ted Ginn is a bit of a reach. Levi Brown is also a bit of a reach. They’re happy at running back. Erasmus James is brittle. Jamaal Anderson is the play here. Logically.
8. Atlanta LaRon Landry S-LSU
They need a good defender in the centerfield. LaRon’s is the perfect fit. He’s intelligent, fast, and he can cover. He’s a little small, but that’s nitpickery. He’s a readymade stud, Ed Reed style.
9) Miami Levi Brown OT-Penn State
Not the player they want. (They are homosexual for Quinn). Paul Posluzny’s a reach here. Lawrence Timmons is an option, but they need offensive line depth as well. Levi Brown’s clocking in as the #2 O-Lineman on most draft boards. Thus, putting pen to paper, the Lion goes to Miami.
10) Houston Adrian Peterson RB-Oklahoma
You’re the Houston Texans. Last year you passed on the next Gale Sayers and a local boy National Championship winner Quarterback. This year, you have the next Eric Dickerson, and he’s a Texan to boot! Could they really be dumb enough to pass on him…
10) Houston Darrelle Revis CB-Pittsburgh
Green + Lundy with a dash of Dayne and a need for a corner gives Houston this fast riser up the draft charts. And yes, if the Texans would have not only a right, but a duty to boo this pick.
11) San Fransisco Lawrence Timmons OLB-Florida State
This may just be a point of personal preference, but I’d figure Mike Nolan would want himself a guy with the potential to be scary across from Manny Lawson at linebacker because Alan Branch is still a broken-legged pussy.
I know they signed Tully Banta-Cain. I just don’t care.
12) Buffalo Adrian Peterson RB-Oklahoma
They could use a stud defensive lineman. They could use a Patrick Willis. They could a Leon Hall or a Daymeion Hughes. But Adrian Peterson’s a stud. He’s instant impact. The Bills lose McGahee, Adrian Peterson would make everything feel better.
13) St. Louis Alan Branch DT-Michigan
Yes, I’ve called him a broken-legged pussy, but Jimmy Kennedy is not robusto as a nose tackle. And Alan Branch has the two gap thing down cold. (But maybe I just flipped a coin between him and Adam Carriker, and Alan won.)
14) Carolina Patrick Willis MLB-Ole Miss
The winners of Buffalo having Adrian peterson fall to them. Patrick Willis fills the Middle Linebacker need that the Panthers so desperately have. He’s not a knock your socks off superstud, but he’s gritty, gutty, and above average in every respect.
15) Pittsburgh Paul Posluzny OLB-Penn State
Another perfect fit. A smaller A.J. Hawk, Posluzny has great instincts and did not lose one step from his junior season post-injury. Added bonus? Poslunzy’s nowhere near as crazy as Joey Porter.
16) Green Bay Marshawn Lynch RB-Cal
This pick gives me the whole existenstial angst thing. The Packers do need a runner, but this runner? He never had a full season as the man. He has a bad back. But the man’s physically gifted. He could be spec-fucking-tacular. In fact, one way or the other. He will be.
17) Jacksonville Reggie Nelson S-Florida
Ted Ginn would have come off the board if the Jaguars weren’t so flinchy about picking a receiver. But Nelson’s more than a mere consolation prize. He’s a readymade Bob Sanders type. He will replace Deon Grant with style and aplomb.
18) Cincinnatti Leon Hall-CB Michigan
Another best player that fits a need. He’s a smooth, stylish, smashmouth cornerback. He is very comprable to Al Harris, and he would be able to put the Bengals in great shape at the corners for years to come.
19) Tennessee Ted Ginn Jr. WR-Ohio State
Drew Bennett is gone. David Givens has an uncertain future. However, Ted Ginn is a great remedy. Elusive. Speedy. He will be able to catch many bombs from Vince Young before Young gets his ass hurt.
20) NY Giants Aaron Ross CB-Texas
They need a playmaking cornerback. They like to blitz, and Ross would allow them to blitz with less fear of putting a cornerback out on an island. They could also go receiver. But I’m tired, and Ross won the coin toss.
21) Denver Adam Carriker DE Nebraska
He’s a big speedy, rawboned defensive end, and considering that there’s nobody really across from Elvis Dumervil to play that other D-End slot, the Broncos should really get hyped up for Carriker.
22) Dallas Ben Grubbs G Auburn
Sure, there are good receivers available. But this is a draft where they could pick up a good one Round 2. A guard is a more pressing need. Grubbs is smart, versatile, and gutsy. He’ll become a vital cog.
23) Kansas City Dwayne Bowe WR-LSU
Kansas City has been Eddie Kennison and junk for forever it seems. Bowe has a size-speed ratio and hands reminiscent of an Andre Johnson. And for whomever totes the rock in K.C., Bowe would help keep 8 defenders out of the box.
24) New England Michael Griffin S-Texas
He’s the heir apparent to Harrison. He has great size and athleticism. His instincts are rusty, but he will have some time to learn.
25) NY Jets Greg Olson TE-Miami (Fla.)
This really doesn’t fill a super need for the J-E-T-S. It will likely get booed. But what they need doesn’t fit where they draft, and is Greg Olsen the best player available? Signs point to yes.
26) Philadelphia Charles Johnson DE-Georgia
Kearse was hurt last year. Howard kind of sucks. McDougle really sucks. A powerful defensive end such as Charles Johnson would help the issue. Simple, really.
27) New Orelans Daymeion Hughes CB-Cal
Best player, biggest position of need, and I’m getting tired, so this is all you need to know.
28) New England Jarvis Moss DE-Florida
3-4 outside linebacker depth to replace Tully Banta-Cain
29) Baltimore Joe Staley OT-Central Michigan
He will replace Tony Pashos. With aplomb even.
30) San Diego Robert Meacham WR-Tennessee
Because Antonio Gates and Phillip Rivers need help, and Meacham has superb upside.
31) Chicago Dwyane Jarrett WR-USC
Sure, he’s questionable with the speed. However, he can catch whatever dragons Rex Grossman will unleash.
32) Indianapolis Jon Beason OLB-Miami (Fla.)
Speedy cover two outside linebacker. They need some help there. Beason will do that.
Mock drafts are yaaaaawn-inducing to type. Stupid. Remind me not to do these with explanations. Explaining yourself hurts.